Buried Memories
by Justice Rose
Summary: How much do we reall know about Olivia's past? For those of you who haven't read the story on the other web sight, I started this before the episode intoxicated. Dick Wolf owns them.
1. Chapter 1

Buried Memories

_Bad memories are like bodies in a shallow grave waiting for a shift of earth to reveal their rotting corpses. Putrid gases release into the air and painfully poison the mind of the bearer, chasing away any peace that there might have been. _

A little girl sits on the stairs of her Brownstone. She is wearing a brown pair of Capri pants that show the bottom of a round bruise on her left leg when she sits down. Her long brunette hair is tied up with an elastic band. Her brown eyes quickly shift to the clock. 5:45, another hour and _She_ would be home, _if she doesn't stop at a_ _bar on the way home_. Most likely she would.

The great black clouds that had been threatening a powerful storm were finally starting to let loose. God she hated being alone on a stormy night.

She sat there a little while longer before standing up to stretch her thin body. Nervously she pushes at the yellow sleeves of her baseball t-shirt revealing more bruising on her arms. Looking down she notices the finger shaped marks. Self-consciously pulling her sleeves down she starts to survey the Brownstone. "Kitchen, clean. Living room, clean and dusted. Bathroom; scrubbed and polished. Laundry washed, folded and…." Her stomach lurches painfully. There is still a small pile of folded clothes on the dryer. She spares a panicked glance at the clock, 6:40. _She_ could be home any minute and there was still dinner to think about.

Grabbing up the clothes, the little girl dashes upstairs and puts them away where they belong, finally ending up in her own bedroom.

To any outsider the room looked more like a forgotten guest room than a seven-year-old girl's bedroom. There are no posters or pictures on the white walls. There are no curtains or blinds on the window. Her room was on the second floor, what did she need curtains for? The comforter is a simple solid blue with no picture of the latest and greatest "girl fad" on it. The only indication that a child lived in the spotless room was a well-worn Braveheart Lion, a cousin of the Care Bears.

The little girl picks up a backpack off the floor and heads downstairs to the kitchen. She pulls a bag out of the freezer and dumps it into a fry pan. Fifteen minutes later the food is heated. She dishes out a small portion onto her plate and sits down at the table. After she is done she cleans up her mess and puts the leftovers in a plastic bowl with a lid. Mom was really going to need something to eat when she got home…if she made it home.

Despite the bruises, the lack of attention, the loneliness and the picking up the pieces of her drunken mother every night, the little girl loved her mother dearly. After all it really wasn't her mother's fault that she was like that. Somebody had done something very bad to her and that made her drink, "_and it's my fault she is angry all the time because I remind her of that bad thing."_ She just knew if she was agood girl that eventually her mother would love her.

At least that's what she believed most of the time. Sometimes though, in the darkness of her room, she questions her life and the "fairness" of it. Why do others seem to have so much love when she had little to none? Why do they get parents who dote on their every word while her mother barely remembered what grade she was in? She is just a lonely little girl that never did anything bad to anyone. How could she be the cause of so much pain? She didn't ask to be born. She couldn't control how she came about. It wasn't fair! Why can't _She_ just love me?

Turning her attention to the backpack, she pulled out her homework. Scanning her worksheets she decided on spelling to start. That was the hardest for her because no one was ever around to quiz her on her words. The second worksheet was counting money. That was easy; she had to know that for a while now. Her mother would send her to the bodega down the street to pick up things for her, and the girl knew Mommy would get very mad if she didn't bring home the right change. After she had completed all her assignments she looked up at the clock. 10:45. A sad sigh escaped her lips as she gathered up her backpack and went upstairs to get ready for bed.

She changes into her pajamas and goes into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. When she emerges she grabs her lion and crawls into bed. She doesn't say her prayers anymore. Prayers never helped her anyway. Things just continue to be bad.

Desperately clutching her stuffed animal, she fought back the threatening tears. Mommy always said to be strong because the world hated weak people. You must learn how to do everything yourself because if you don't no one will respect you, and most of all, don't ever cry. That's exactly what _they_ want. _They _will use every weakness and tear against you.

_See Mommy I am a big girl, I didn't cry even when the storm started. _Slowly she drifted off to sleep.

Shortly before midnight a woman sways drunkenly in front of her door. She is 5'4" with short, light brown hair, green eyes and an average build, not very thin, not very heavy. She is only thirty years old but a lifetime of drinking has aged her far beyond that. With a comical look of concentration she eyes the lock of the door with one eye closed and the tip of her tongue sticking out. After several failed attempts she finally gets the key in the lock and slides the door open.

She goes to drop her purse and keys on a small end table and misses. Deciding not to pick them up she heads upstairs. She makes an attempt at being quiet when she opens her daughter's bedroom door but a barely audible "snap" brings the girl to full attention.

"Hi honey, I didn't mean to wake you." A lie. She needed to see her daughter and to have someone to listen to her.

"Hi Mom, did you need something?" The girl knows full well that her mother does.

"I'm hungry," she pouts, "and they cut me off tonight."

Mother and daughter reverse roles as the little girl gets out of bed and leads her mother by the hand down to the living room. "Now sit here and I will heat you up some dinner."

The woman just sits and nods pitifully. What would she do without this little person? She keeps the house clean, cooks, (ok well she can heat stuff up, but that's better than nothing.) She reminds her when it is time to pay bills and makes sure they get out to the mail carrier. She would be nothing but a barfly, half starved, living in filth. She'd own nothing and have no one to come home to and that would be sad. She looks forward to seeing that little face at the end of a day. "_Whenever that is_." A voice in her head scolds.

Guilt seizes the woman's thoughts hard. She hates feeling guilty. "_If you look forward to seeing her as much as you say why don't you treat her better?" the voice continues._

"_Shut up, I take care of her just fine. There's a roof over her head, food in the cupboards, and clothes on her back. Besides, she's never complained." _

"_Just look at what happened when she did."_

"_She has no right to make me feel guilty over how I treat her, it's her own fault anyway. She brought outsiders into our home. She shouldn't have said anything."_

"_It was her teacher who called in ACS because she saw bruises on your daughter."_

"_And just how did this woman see them? She had to have been shown the bruises."_

"_Well if they weren't there to begin with you would have nothing to worry about. You put the bruises there." _

The woman's mood grew dark, "I'm thirsty!" She hollered out.

"Do you want milk or maybe a soda?"

"Tequila."

The girl stood frozen in front of the refrigerator. This time an errant tear escaped down her cheek.

"Did you hear me?"

"Yes Momma." She replied hastily wiping away the evidence of her momentary lapse. Setting the food and the bottle of amber liquid on a tray, the little girl walked toward the living room.

"Did you go to a new place tonight or did they get a new bartender at…" her sentence was interrupted when she fell over her mother's purse. The tray went flying out of her hands and as she fell down she heard the bottle shattering on the hardwood floor.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was an accident!" The girl pleaded holding her right wrist.

"Oh, your sorry! That's just great, you're sorry!" The woman's voice rose with every syllable. Her bruised ego over the battle with guilt earlier and the alcohol pushed her into a fiery rage. "I'll show you sorry!" She snatched up the neck of the broken bottle with one hand and her daughter with another.

"No Mommy, No!" the little girl screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

About three am on Monday, Olivia had gotten a call about a 14-year-old girl that had been raped near her apartment building. She had been left in an alley near an electronics store. When the owner was closing out for the night he found the girl huddled behind a dumpster in what remained of her clothes. He gave her a jacket to cover up with and called the police.

When Olivia arrived at the hospital the girl was hysterical and wouldn't let anyone touch her. She spent the better part of an hour gently talking to the shaken teen trying to calm her down.

"Honey you're not doing yourself any good right now. I need you to settle down. I'm here to help you. What's your name?"

"Alicia Thomas, my friends call me Ali."

"That's a good start. Ali honey, my name is Olivia. I'm a police officer with the Manhattan SVU. Do you know what that is?" The girl shook her head no.

"That means that I help people like you. I need you to listen to me for few minutes, can you do that?"

The girl nodded. "I know you're scared, and I know that the last thing you want is anybody touching you, but it's very important that you let these doctors take a look at you. They just want to help. They want to make sure that you're okay… physically and to do that they are going to need to examine you. " Ali began to cry again.

"I know sweetie, but this will help us find and put away the person who did this. Also the doctors can give you something for pain, and some drugs that will prevent an STD and pregnancy."

At this the girl launched herself into Olivia's arms. "I don't think I can. Please don't ask me to." Olivia wrapped her arms around the young girl and stroked her hair.

"I'll stay with you through the whole thing, I promise, but we really need you to do the exam."

Finally, the girl agreed. Olivia quickly called Ali's parents then rejoined the girl in the exam room. As promised, she stayed with the girl during the exam, gently coaxing a statement out of her and waited with her for her parents to arrive. Only after Olivia felt the girl had settled and the parents were over the worst of their shock did she leave. It was now eight am.

Olivia and Elliot spent the rest of the day going over the girl's statement and working up some leads. She waited late at the station in hope of getting any news about the forensic evidence collected. Just as she got home she received a frantic call from Ali's mother, she could hear Ali crying in the background. Olivia spent the rest of the night talking to her on the telephone.

About four thirty Ali's mom whispered into the phone, "She's asleep. Thank you Detective Benson, I didn't know what else to do."

This was the schedule of Olivia's life for the next four days. Long days chasing down lead after lead and nights on the phone with Ali until she went to sleep which left her with precious little time to sleep herself. She was able to grab some time in the crib but by the fourth day the wear was beginning to take its toll.

"Good morning," Elliot greeted cheerfully handing her a cup of coffee, "And how is my favorite partner today?"

Olivia eyed him suspiciously as he stood there and grinned. "What has you so happy today?"

"I just called Alicia Thomas to come in for a lineup."

"You got someone?"

"Yeah I stayed a little later last night. I got a call from Warner saying they got a DNA match on a Mikko Cannila. Two time loser, both for rape of young girls."

"If I didn't think it would give Cragen a heart attack, I'd kiss you." She laughed.

"I might worry more about Munch than the Captain." Elliot smirked.

A little while later Ali Thomas stood leaning heavily on Olivia as the men filed in behind the one-way glass. After looking for a few moments she turned and buried her face in Olivia's shoulder. "It's okay, you can do it, you already survived the attack and made it through the exam. All you have to do is say a number if he's there."

Ali gathered all her strength and turned back toward the window. "It's number three."

"Good Ali, thanks so much." Olivia walked out with the family.

"What happens next? Will she have to testify?" Ali's dad asked.

"We are going to try to get him to confess, if he does Ali won't have to endure a trial."

"Thank you very much Detective, you have helped us so much." Mr. Thomas started to extend his hand to Olivia but gathered her into a hug instead.

After he released a surprised Benson, Olivia asked Ali, "You going to be okay?"

"My first counseling session is today. It's a group session, I thought it might be easier to talk if there were people around me who had gone through the same thing."

"Take care." Olivia made a quick run to the bakery down the street before returning to the bullpen.

"What's this?" Elliot asked pulling out a slice of carrot cake.

"A thank you for helping and all your patience this week. I think I might be able to get some sleep tonight."

Elliot nodded, getting ready to dig into his cake.

"After we get a confession." She pulled the cake away and grabbed his arm, dragging him to an interrogation room.

It was eleven pm before they extracted a confession and went their separate ways home.

Olivia stopped only long enough to put her pajamas on before collapsing into her bed. It was just before midnight.

Olivia woke up with a start. She groaned as she looked at the clock. 12:45am. "Dammit" she cursed. She had only got to bed a little less than an hour.

She quickly located the source of the interruption. Yanking her phone off the nightstand she looked at the caller ID. It was Cragen. "Benson." She growled. Whatever it was, he better have a good explanation for calling her.

Cragen knew she was going to be angry, after all she was running on about six hours of sleep in the last 96."Olivia," he stuttered, "I'm sorry to wake you, I know it's been a long week, but Fin and Munch are already handling a rape homicide and I could really use you on this."

"What about Elliot?" She could already feel a headache coming on.

"Elliot's already heading to the scene,"

"If Elliot's already on his way why do you need me?"

"We got a domestic. Neighbors called after they heard a crash and a little girl screaming. When the unis got there they found the mother lying at the bottom of the stairs, no sign of the girl. They finally noticed a small trail of blood to the basement. No one has been able to get near her. They even tried some female officers to coax the girl out of hiding but it didn't work." Cragen left it at that, believing Olivia would understand. It was a fact. Munch and Fin could handle children okay and Elliot was pretty good with them but Olivia had an uncanny ability to get children to respond to her when they wouldn't to anyone else. Maybe they could sense her pain and felt that she was someone who could understand what they went through or maybe it was the compassion and empathy that you could see in her eyes but either way, Olivia was the best when it came to children. With only some background noise greeting him from the other end of the line, Cragen began to wonder if she had fallen back asleep. "Olivia?"

"Yeah Cap, I'm still here. I'm just heading out the door right now; I should be there in about 20 minutes. I'll call and get the address and rest of the info from Elliot."

Cragen smiled to himself as he hung up the phone. "Up almost continually for four days and still willing to help."

About a half hour later Olivia found herself standing in front of the address that Elliot had given her with no recollection of how she got there. She couldn't even remember why she was there. All she remembered was a phone call telling her to be there.

"Liv?" Elliot found her still standing in front of the Brownstone looking puzzled. "Liv, you okay?" God she was pale and she looked like she had lost some weight. She didn't really have any weight to lose. He hated that she had to respond but Cragen was right, if anyone could get this girl out it would be Liv.

"Elliot I don't…." She knew if she said that she couldn't remember why she was called she would be immediately sent home and she knew there was a very good reason for not letting that happen. Then it came to her, "Have you gotten her yet?"

Elliot shook his head, "I tried but she just retreated. I also talked with the mother briefly before the ambulance took her off. She said that it was her daughter who pushed her down the stairs."

"What do we know about the mother?"

"The neighbors said that if the girl did push her mother down the stairs that it was self-defense. The lady is a raging alcoholic and takes out all her frustration on her daughter."

Olivia shook her head sadly, "Okay lead the way."

They were stopped just inside the doorway by a crime scene technician. "Detectives I'm not sure what to make of this." He produced part of a toothpick in one bag and a small swatch of duct tape in another.

He held up the bag with the duct tape. "This was taped near the bottom of her bedroom door, the toothpick was on the floor near the door."

"Why would a child tape a toothpick to the frame of her door?" Elliot asked.

"It's a door alarm, when someone opens the door the toothpick snaps making a sound." Olivia explained.

"A door alarm? Why a toothpick and not a bell or something?"

"It's a warning for her, not for anyone else."

"What, to warn her if her mother is coming?" Elliot was beginning to wonder how Olivia knew all of this.

"It's easier if you know what's coming." Olivia noticed the questions in Elliot's eyes and realized she had said too much. "I…I learned about it when I volunteered a little time at a children's shelter."

Elliot let it go at that. He knew that it was a lie but he knew now was not the right time to explore that issue.

A tall officer with broad shoulders and a military hair cut walked over to the pair of detectives. "Officer Frank McCabe, sir." He extended a hand to Elliot. "I'm the senior officer on sight. If you need anything just let me know."

"There are a few drops of blood on the stairs leading down also. We couldn't find a light switch so you'll need a flashlight." McCabe took his own flashlight and handed it to Elliot.

Even in her exhausted state, Olivia did not fail to notice she was being totally ignored by the officer, so she edged past him and approached a young officer standing by the basement door. He was tall with blond hair and pale blue eyes. He was also grinning like a Cheshire cat at her. She flashed him a dazzling smile before asking him, "Do you have a flashlight that I could use?"

Without hesitation, the officer produced his flashlight and handed it to Olivia, though a blush took over his face. "I would be happy to help you if you'd like."

Sometimes it wasn't so bad being seen as a woman…sometimes "Thanks we could always use a hand, but not too close, Officer…?"

"Mathews, ma'am. Lee Mathews."

"Officer Mathews. Let's drop the ma'am okay? It's…" she glanced back over her shoulder directly at Officer McCabe, "Olivia. We don't want to scare this little girl anymore than she already is." 

"Yes ma…Olivia," Mathews' smile grew.

"Elliot, you ready for this?" She looked at McCabe, "We'll be sure to let you know if we need anything else Officer."

Elliot had to repress his laughter. He could swear he saw steam coming out of McCabe's ears.

Elliot pointed toward the back wall; "She's over here at the far end, on top of that tall cabinet."

"You may want this Olivia," Mathews offered her a step stool, "The cabinet is kinda tall."

"Easy boy." Elliot muttered only half to himself.

"Thank you Lee." She shot Elliot a playful glare.

Olivia slowly stepped up onto the stool. The girl whimpered pressing herself closer the wall behind her.

"It's okay. I'm just trying to help you. Can you tell me your name?"

"Megan." She said, still pressing herself against the wall.

"Megan, that's a pretty name. My name's Olivia, how old are you Megan?"

"Seven."

"Are you in first grade?"

"Yes." Megan began to show signs of relaxing.

"Do you like school?"

"It's okay I guess."

"What's you favorite thing to do at school?"

"I like story time."

"Does your mommy read stories with you too?" Carefully steering the conversation.

Olivia watched the girl's face crumple. "I hurt my mommy!" she sobbed. "I didn't mean to, but she was scaring me."

"It's all right sweetie. What was she doing to scare you?"

"She was trying to hurt me with a broken bottle." Olivia's heart broke. Sickening memories hit her like a freight train.

"Where did the broken bottle come from?"

"I was fixing her dinner. She asked me to bring her something to drink."

"Alcohol?"

"Yes. When I walked into the living room I tripped over mommy's purse and fell." Megan's cries increased. "I told her I was sorry but she grabbed me and picked up the broken bottle. She cut me a little but I got away."

"Did your mommy follow you?"

"Uh huh. She caught me at the top of the stairs. I was scared. I just wanted to hide for a while. I pushed her just a little to try and get around her. I'm sorry."

"Megan, honey, it's not your fault." Olivia slowly reached for Megan's hand.

"Yes it is. It's all my fault. I'm bad. Mommy had something bad happen to her and then she got me. I try really hard to be good but I always screw up." Olivia felt like she was talking to herself as a young girl. "_Don't go there Olivia, you don't ever want to go there. Some things are better left buried."_

"Sweetie, no one has the right to hurt you like this. Your just a little girl, it's okay to mess up sometimes."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." Megan managed a small smile, "Now I need you to do something for me. I need you to let the paramedics look at you. I want to make sure that your okay."

Elliot and Officer Mathews were too busy watching Olivia coax the child down from her perch to notice that Officer McCabe had snuck down to the basement. He was standing off in a shadow near Olivia and Megan.

"Can I call you Livvy?" the girl asked cautiously.

Olivia wondered what it was that made kids decide to call her Livvy. "Sweetie you can call me anything you want if you'll come down and let the paramedics look at you."

Just as she was sliding off the cabinet into Olivia's waiting arms, McCabe grabbed for the girl. Megan screamed and began to thrash. This caused Olivia to lose her balance and fall. Thinking quickly, she gave Megan a toss toward the closest body, (which was unfortunately McCabe), to keep her from getting any more injuries.

Elliot was already moving but it was too late. He felt his stomach lurch painfully as he watched his partner's head strike the hard concrete of the basement floor. He called to Mathews. "Get the paramedics."

Megan ran to Olivia after squirming out of McCabe's hand.

"Liv…Liv, talk to me." Elliot said.

"I'm here El." Her voice was weak and distant.

Elliot took of his jacket, folded it and placed it under her head. When he pulled his hand back there was blood on it.

"See I am bad. I hurt her." Megan said, visibly upset.

"No, no sweetie it wasn't your fault."

"Yes it is." She cried.

"No honey, trust me." Olivia tried to sit up but it hurt too much.

"Stay down Liv." Elliot gently laid her back down. "No Megan it's not your fault. It was Officer McCabe's fault and I am going to see that his superiors hear about this."

Usually he would have been up in the guy's face but he was too worried about Olivia to


	3. Chapter 3

"Liv, you need to stay with me, the bus will be here any minute." Elliot held one of Olivia's hands in his. "Stay awake."

"Yeah, stay awake, Livvy." Megan repeated in a small voice. He could see small rounded tears, in her pajama top, with blood staining the edges of the holes.

Elliot got his first good look at the little girl. She had a round face and her eyes were small and closely set and light brown hair. Even though she looked nothing like the image that he had of Olivia when she was a child, Megan held the same haunted look in her eyes that his partner had in hers.

Was this child's life a deeper look into Olivia's childhood? He wondered, not for the first time this morning, how much he really knew about her past. He knew that her mother was often verbally abusive and neglectful, leaving Olivia alone for long periods of time, but he never suspected physical abuse.

"So tired, El." Olivia's voice was barely above a whisper.

"I know you're tired Liv, but you need to stay awake for m…us." He offered Megan a smile. He was rewarded in turn with a smile from her.

"So…tired…" Olivia's eyes rolled back in her head as her eyes closed. Elliot and Megan felt her hand go slack in theirs.

"Liv! Olivia wake up honey, you need to wake up." Elliot fought down his rising panic.

"I've got the paramedics. How's she doing?" Officer Mathews bounded down the stairs with two paramedics and a stretcher right behind him.

Before Elliot could respond one of the paramedics nudged him aside and began to take Olivia's vitals. The second paramedic placed himself between Megan and Olivia.

This caused Megan to start panicking. "No, no Livvy! My Livvy," she wailed, pushing the paramedic away.

Elliot decided he had to act quickly. "Hey, hey it's okay. These people are here to help Olivia."

"No I'm scared, I want to stay with her!"

"Megan, do you have a best friend?"

"Yes, my Braveheart Lion."

"You wouldn't want anything to happen to him, would you?"

"No," she sniffled.

"Well Olivia is my best friend and I don't want anything to happen to her, can you understand that?"

"She's your best friend? Does that mean that you're here for me too?"

"Yeah and I will do anything in my power to make sure no one hurts you like this again."

" Promise? I'll tell Livvy if you don't!"

"I promise and maybe these guys can help us out a bit." Elliot looked at the paramedics. "Megan needs to have her cuts looked at by a doctor. If she sits in my lap and doesn't interfere can we ride in the ambulance with Detective Benson?" Both men agreed as long as they stayed out of the way.

"Megan, where's you lion?" Elliot asked. He didn't want to leave Liv, but he thought the girl might need a little distraction.

"He's in my room."

"Why don't we go get him while they get Olivia ready?"

Megan looked up at Elliot for a few moments until she tentatively slid her hand into his and headed for the stairs.

"Keep an eye on Detective Benson," Elliot told Officer Mathews.

"Yes Sir!" he replied.

Elliot called Cragen and gave him a condensed version of what happened. He and Megan arrived back downstairs as they were taking Olivia out the front door with Mathews closely following.

"Thank you Officer Mathews, you've been a great help today, I'll be sure and let the right people now, and I know Detective Benson appreciates your help too." Elliot shook his hand then went into the ambulance with Megan.

Once the ambulance arrived at the hospital and Olivia was rushed away, Elliot was faced with a new problem; Megan was loudly protesting being seen by the doctor.

"No I won't let him look at me. I'm fine."

"Megan he needs to look at your cuts and make sure that your okay."

"No, mommy will be really mad if I show anyone else."

"Show someone else what honey?"

"Nothing. I want to see my mommy, she needs my help!"

"Megan, your mommy is being looked after by other doctors. You need to let this doctor help you."

"I'm fine, everything's fine. Please don't make me show you. She'll be so mad."

"Your mommy did these things to you, didn't she?"

"No, my mommy doesn't hurt me."

Elliot was becoming frustrated. Suddenly he had an idea. "Megan, remember when you said you'd tell Olivia if I didn't take care of you? Well she will be really mad at me if I don't make sure that you are okay." He could see the fear in her eyes. "I'll explain everything to your mommy and make sure she know it was my idea, okay?

Finally, Megan relented. Elliot felt his fury grow as the doctor uncovered bruises and marks on the girl's body in various stages of healing. He desperately wanted to find this woman and add a few marks to her. He began making a mental note of charges against her mother when his mind wandered back to Olivia as a child. Did she spend her time hiding bruises from other people around her? He shook that thought away; it was too hard to think of while she was hurt and unconscious.

The doctor motioned Elliot aside. "Detective Stabler, Megan shows signs of long-term abuse. Some of the bruising I found could have been three weeks old. I need to notify Children's Services, is there anyone who can take the child or do I need to tell them to find suitable foster care?"

Elliot hadn't thought about that until now. He really didn't want to have to send Megan to foster care. Both he and Liv promised not to let anything bad happen to her. From the way Megan was protecting her mother, he figured being separated from her and put into foster care would be bad. "Doc, can you give me a little while to do some research?"

"I think that would be okay."

"Oh and just a couple more things, my partner was also brought in, can you find out where she is, and can Megan come with me while I check on her?"

"Yes she can go with you." The doctor smiled while he motioned for a short, older nurse with gray hair. "Detective Stabler's partner was brought in also, would you please locate her?"

"Certainly, what is your partner's name detective?" The woman walked toward a computer.

"Benson. Olivia Benson."

"Oh yes, I think I helped check her in. Pretty young brunette with head trauma."

"Yes, that sounds like her."

"Such a pretty girl," the nurse smiled brightly, "She reminds me of my youngest. Are you Elliot Stabler?"

"Yes, I am, why do you ask?" He wished she would hurry up.

"You're down as her emergency contact and next of kin, could I get you to give me a little more information about her medical history and answer a few questions?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. Megan, why don't sit down right there for a minute?" He desperately wanted to get back and see Liv, but he knew these questions were necessary.

He let out a breath that he didn't know he was holding when the nurse was done and told him where to find his partner. When they arrived at her door there were two doctors whispering to each other outside of Olivia's room. One of the doctors stepped forward. "I'm Doctor Andrews, can I help you?"

"Yes, I'm Detective Elliot Stabler, I'm here to see Detective Olivia Benson."

"Let me fill you in a little before you go in. Detective Benson has a significant concussion. She is still unconscious. We also had to put five stitches in the back of her head but there was no fracture."

Elliot laughed to himself. He always said Liv was hard headed.

"We are a little concerned about some swelling in the brain so we are going to be watching her very closely for a while. Now the fall didn't break any bones but her back is pretty bruised up. She's going to be sore for a few days but we can give her something for the pain." Dr. Andrews flipped through her chart. "We've run some standard tests and gotten a few results back, she's showing a low iron count, her blood sugars are noticeably low, and her electrolytes are off, she's also dehydrated. This coupled with a few more test results lead me to conclude that she hasn't been eating or sleeping properly."

Elliot gave the doctor a quick description of a day in the life of an SVU detective and a rundown of what Olivia's last week had been like.

"You really need to take care of yourselves better out there, and your partner really needs to improve or she could find herself right back in here." Andrews scolded.

Elliot nodded and promised they would all try harder, especially Olivia. "Can I see her now?"

The doctors stepped aside to let Elliot and Megan through. Elliot's breath caught when he saw her lying on the hospital bed. She was even paler than she was earlier. She looked… "Looked what?" he asked himself. "Frail." That was the word he was looking for. A word he never thought he would associate with his partner, vulnerable at times, maybe, but frail, never.

"Is she going to be okay?" Megan asked, pulling a chair up to Olivia's bedside.

"Yeah she's going to be okay. Can you watch her while I make a couple of calls?"

"Okay." She carefully picked up Olivia's hand and held it to her.

Elliot went back out into the hall and dialed his cell phone.

"SVU, Detective Munch speaking."

"Munch, it's Elliot."

"Hey Stabler, how's Benson?" Munch put his phone on speaker.

"She's still out. Doc says they're going to be watching her closely until she wakes up."

"When she does tell her I said to get her little ass back here and finish her own damn paperwork." Fin joked.

"I'll be sure to tell her that and make sure she knows who said it," Elliot chuckled. "Hey Munch, I need you look up something for me. I need to know if there is any family listed for a Rena Gilbert."

"Sure, what's up?"

"Rena is the mother of the abused little girl we got the call on this morning. Liv and I promised to look after her and I'd really hate to see her go to a foster home."

"I'm on it."

"Better send me to the Captain. I better update him on Liv."

"No need," Fin assures, "Dad's already on his way to see his baby girl." They all knew that Cragen felt like they were all his children, but he was especially attached to Olivia.

"Okay, I'll keep you guys posted." Elliot returned to the room. Megan had fallen asleep in her chair but she still had a hold of Olivia's hand. He laid his jacket overtop the girl, then got his own chair and set it on the other side of the bed.

He watched as a steady steam of medical staff droned by the open door and soon he felt his eyes start to close.

"Elliot." His eyes snapped open and scanned the room. "Hey Don, sorry about that."

The Captain waved it off. "It's almost 10 am, you've already been up for 9 hours and I know you didn't get much sleep the night before either." Cragen looked over at Olivia's unconscious form on the bed. Her skin nearly blended in with the white of the sheets. "She looks…"

Elliot couldn't hear the end of the sentence. "Yeah, I know."

"Has there been any change?" Cragen kept staring at the bed.

"Nothing so far." Elliot moved his chair back to its original spot; the Captain sat down next to him.

"Tell me everything that happened. I especially want to know about the McCabe guy."

Elliot went through the entire morning up to what the doctor had told him, including the lack of proper rest and nutrition. Neither of them knew what to say next so they just sat in silence and waited.

Olivia could hear voices, but could not tell whom they belonged to or what they were saying. Her eyes wouldn't open and her head and back hurt like hell. She wondered where she was and what happened. As she lay there trying to will her eyes to open she began to be able to start to recognize some of the words and sounds.

A young man in scrubs nodded to Cragen and Stabler as he walked in to check on Olivia. He took her vitals then proceeded to write down the information on her chart.

"Well hello Ms. Benson nice to finally see you."

Elliot and Don stood up so quickly that they almost knocked their chairs over.

"Lights, lights," was Olivia's only answer. The nurse turned down the lights for her.

She slowly opened her eyes and tried to focus on her surroundings.

"How are you feeling?" the man in scrubs leaned closer to her.

When she finally realized she was in a hospital, she panicked. "Oh my god I can't be here." She yanked out her IV line and tried to scramble out of bed.

"Ms. Benson you're okay, just please calm down." The nursed grabbed her before she got out of the bed. Cragen and Elliot rushed over to help.

"No let me go, I can't stay here."

"Olivia, please calm down," Cragen pleaded.

"You don't understand, she'll kill me if she finds out that I'm here."

Elliot felt a sick sense of déjà vu wash over him. Olivia sounded like Megan did just a short time ago.

"Livvy don't be upset, please." Megan cried as the three men continued to wrestle the frightened woman.

Elliot knew that Olivia thought she was still living with her mother. He had to bring her back to the present. "Captain order her into your office."

"What? Have you lost your mind?"

"Trust me on this one Cap, just do it like you're angry."

"Detective Benson, I need to see you in my office, now!"

Olivia's dark eyes met Cragen's light ones. Slowly the struggling ceased. "Captain? Elliot?"

"Livvy!" Megan squealed then threw herself into Olivia's arms.

"Megan," she groaned when her body protested the action.

"We have to let this man put Olivia's IV back in and take a look at her." Elliot lifted the little girl up off the bed.

Olivia looked down at her bleeding arm and the spots of blood on her and the three men around her. "Did I do that?"

"You sure did." The nurse laughed as he got a gauze pad and applied pressure to the spot. "Just let me get the bleeding stopped then I'll get someone to restart the IV and get the doctor."

Olivia nodded, but immediately regretted it. "Oh that was so stupid." She lay back down on the bed.

The nurse got the bleeding stopped and cleaned up her arm before leaving. A woman from the lab came in and restarted the IV while Doctor Andrews checked Olivia out.

Cragen, Stabler, and Megan stepped out into the hall to give her a little privacy.

"What the hell was all that about in there?" asked Cragen.

"Hey Megan, are you hungry?"

"Yes," she said shyly.

"Let's go see what's in the machines." Cragen waited as Elliot got a soda and some chips for Megan. "I have to talk to my boss for a minute, you sit here and eat, I'll be just down there."

Once they were out of earshot, Elliot told Cragen about Olivia's explanation of the toothpick on the door, the similar haunted looks in their eyes, and Megan's reaction to being examined.

He didn't express his suspicion about Liv being physically abused but he could see the thought in Cragen's sad eyes.

"When can I go home?" Olivia asked when the doctor finished.

"Barring any unseen complications you can go home tomorrow but I'd like you to stay off work for a few days."

"Tomorrow? Why not today?" she complained.

"You have a concussion to start with. Second your body is very weak and run down. I need to make sure that your blood work is okay before I let you go."

She started to sit up and continued her protest when her head and back screamed in pain.

"Oh and you're going to be sore." Andrews quiped.

As if on cue, the male nurse returned to the room with pain medication and injected it into her IV. "This will make you sleepy."

Olivia could already feel the effects of the medication when Don, Elliot, and Megan returned. The last thing she remembered was the doctor telling them the same thing he just told her.


	4. Chapter 4

Cragen went out into the hallway to update Munch and Fin and check on the status of Ms. Gilbert while Elliot stayed with Olivia to make sure she was sleeping okay and she wasn't going to wake up.

"Ms. Gilbert is fine -- just some bruises," Cragen whispered. "How's Olivia?"

"She's restless, but she's sleeping." Elliot watched as she shifted back and forth in the bed.

"Why don't you go and get some sleep? I'll stay with her for a while. Fin and Munch are going to stop by in a little while. Oh…"

"Shit, I've got to find somewhere to take Megan," Elliot interrupted.

Megan's eyes grew wide. Suddenly she felt an oppressive weight return to her small shoulders. She had forgotten about her mom until now. Megan waged an internal war with herself over what to do next. Finally she decided that despite everything, she still loved her mom and did not want to leave her. She had no one else to go to. It was hard enough with her mother, who she knew deep down loved her; what would it be like with someone who _had_ to take her? "Why, why, can't I stay with Mommy?"

Cragen raised his eyebrows at Elliot and indicated that he should be the one to explain. He drew in a deep breath; this was not going to be easy. "Honey, your mommy's sick and needs some help so she'll stop hurting you and herself."

"But who will take care of her?" Megan began to weep.

"She's going to a place where they will be watching her all the time and helping her get better."

"What about me?" She wrapped her arms around Elliot's leg.

"I was just going to tell you that Munch located a Jeannine and Lee Gilbert, parents of Rena Gilbert. They are very willing to look after Megan. All you have to do is call and tell her when she can come and get her."

"You found Grandma Jeannine and Grandpa Lee? Where? She wants to see me? Elliot, can I go? Please!"

"Whoa, slow down there --let me call her and find out where she is." Elliot laughed.

"She's in Qew Gardens. Here's her number." Cragen handed him a small scrap of paper with a number on it.

"Lets see what she has to say; shall we, Kiddo?" By this time Megan was hopping up and down with excitement. Elliot dialed the number and handed the phone to Megan.

"Grandma, is that you? Mommy said you never wanted to see me again."

"No, Sweetie; Grandma's been trying to find you since you left. I love you so much, and I miss you." After a short conversation Megan handed the phone back to Elliot, "Grandma wants to talk to you."

"This is Detective Stabler."

He could hear the tears in the woman's voice. "Is Megan really okay? I've been looking for her and her mother for almost two years."

Elliot gave her a condensed version of what happened and explained about what the doctor had said about Megan's general condition.

"I should never have let her take that child away. Rena was always a wild child. She was at a party too drunk to move when some guy found her and raped her. She wouldn't take anything that the doctor gave her. She told me once that it would have made it too real for her. She was almost four months along before she'd admit that she was pregnant. She refused any counseling. I knew that she wasn't up to dealing with her little girl and the memories that it stirred up. We got in a fight over Megan and she took off. I haven't seen them since."

"It's all past now. Megan needs you. I know you're close by; did you want to come pick her up now?"

"Of course! My husband will be home soon. We can pick her up then."

"I'll wait here at the hospital for you." Elliot looked down at his partner's sleeping form. "I was wondering if I might ask you a favor?"

"Anything. Just name it." Jeannine told him.

"My partner was the one who was able to get Megan to come with her and made sure she didn't get hurt falling, but she was injured in the process. Would you bring Megan to see her in the next couple of days? I know she would love to meet you and say goodbye to Megan."

Without any hesitation she replied, "Of course. She can see Megan anytime that she wants; and that goes for you, too, Detective." Then she hung up.

"I'm going to stay until Megan is picked up; then I'll go get some sleep." Elliot explained to Cragen. He wasn't very anxious to leave Olivia, even though someone would be watching her.

Munch arrived a short time later bearing a vase of assorted carnations, with Fin right behind carrying a couple of 'Get Well' balloons.

"How'd you both get blood on you?" Munch asked.

"That's a good question," Fin added.

Don and Elliot had taken off their bloodstained jackets but hadn't noticed that they also had some on their shirts.

"Olivia woke up a little panicked and pulled out her IV. We were trying to help calm her down," Cragen explained. "I guess they must be used to seeing people walking around with blood stains on their clothing. Not even the espresso woman said anything."

The two newcomers looked over toward Olivia. She was still squirming in her sleep. "She really okay?" Fin inquired. "I know what you said about physically, but she seems awfully restless."

"I think this case hit a little too close to home. A child produced by rape –abusive, neglectful mother, you know?" Elliot had completely forgotten about Megan sitting in a nearby chair.

"Livvy's mommy was raped and had her?" Megan was very familiar with the circumstances of her conception. "Did her mommy hurt her too?" It was the first time that she admitted to the abuse.

It was Cragen who finally spoke up. "Yes, Olivia's mommy was raped just like your mom; and her mommy got angry with her, too." Even after talking to Elliot, Don was unable to come out and admit to physical abuse. "That's why it was so important to her that she help you."

"I'm glad she did."

A woman's voice interrupted them. "Megan, honey, is that you?" A short older woman with salt and pepper hair walked into the room followed by a man about the same age, a little taller, with white hair.

"Grandma, Grandpa," the girl squealed.

"Look how big you've gotten." Mr. Gilbert said, scooping Megan up in his arms.

"Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert, I'm Detective Stabler," Elliot extended a hand. "This is my boss, Captain Cragen; and these are my coworkers, John Munch and Fin Tutuola.

They all exchanged greetings.

"And that's Livvy. Her mommy was raped; and had her and her mommy was mean to her, too," Megan explained.

Jeannine Gilbert looked questioningly. Elliot simply nodded.

"She must be a special person to do this kind of work after going through all that." Lee Gilbert looked sadly at Olivia.

"Yes, she is." The men agreed.

"You all are special," Jeannine added, "Thank you for giving us our beautiful granddaughter back."

"Our pleasure, Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert," Cragen said. "I can get some officers to meet you at your daughter's place so you can get some clothes for Megan, if you'd like."

"That would be great." Lee turned to his granddaughter, his eyes wet with emotion. "You ready to head out Little One?"

"Yes, I am, Grandpa." She giggled.

Jeannine walked over to Olivia's bedside, "And thank you for your help. I will bring Megan by later to see you." She placed a kiss on her forehead, then turned and left.

"So I guess there are a few happy endings left in the world," Munch commented.

Elliot wished Olivia could have had her own happy ending. Of course, if she did, she might not have become his partner, maybe not even a cop. _"But maybe she'd be happy,"_ a voice whispered in his head.

"Happy endings and work left to do," Cragen hinted for Munch and Fin to take their leave. "And sleep for you, Stabler. Go on, get out of here; I'll look after her."

When the three men turned around, they met a tall, young, blond man standing in the doorway holding a vase of pink roses. The man blushed deeply when he saw Stabler standing there. "I…uh…I was just checking to see how she was doing, and…and to drop these off, from…um…you know, some of us that, uh, were there today."

Elliot cleared his throat a couple of times in hopes of erasing the laughter in his voice. "Officer Mathews, how thoughtful of you. Captain, this is the one I told you about."

"You're the one who messed with the kid, causing my Detective to fall?" Cragen already knew that he wasn't but couldn't seem to help himself. He put it down as stress-related.

"No! No! It wasn't…"

"I'm John Munch, and this is my partner Fin. We work in the same unit as Benson." Munch eyed the vase suspiciously; although, a small smirk escaped his lips. "We are all very close in this unit."

Fin decided to take things a little farther. "Yeah, thanks for taking care of our girl there. We're very protective of her. We don't like anyone messing with her." _Not really a lie, _Fin thought to himself. He knew that Olivia would kick all their asses if she actually heard them saying anything like that --not a place any of them would dare to go.

Mathews stood frozen in place staring at the detectives until Elliot could not hold in his laughter any more. Soon, they were all laughing -- including Mathews.

"No, really, man, thanks a lot for today. Look forward to working with you sometime." Fin stuck out his hand.

Mathews shook everyone's hand and then turned toward the bed. His smile suddenly dropped. "How is she? She's so restless; is she in a lot of pain?"

"They just gave her something for pain. They want to keep her here overnight for observation. If all goes well, she'll get to go home tomorrow." Elliot let him through so he could set the vase down.

"Will you tell her I stopped by?"

"Yeah, no problem." Cragen assured.

"Why don't you stop by the precinct sometime," Munch added wryly.

"I'll be sure and do that." Mathews left smiling.

"You know, Olivia's going to kill you if she finds out," Fin said, taking a few steps away like he was trying to make sure John's bad karma didn't affect him.

"Yeah, but right now I'm safe."

"The way you talked, Stabler, I thought we had a remarkably giving cop in the making. Why didn't you tell me he had ulterior motives?" Cragen smirked.

"Yeah, well, Liv might have kind of used him to piss McCabe off. I thought it was a fair tradeoff to give him an 'atta boy'. Although, the way he was looking at her there at the scene, I think he would have done all that for her anyway."

"Man's got taste --you gotta give him that." They all agreed with Fin.

"Now, to work and to sleep; I'm already down a detective. Go." After everyone left, Cragen went and got some more coffee and a magazine out of the gift shop. When he got back, he set himself up next to Olivia's bed.

Just as he got settled, a nurse popped in. "Popular lady, it was so crowded in here a few minutes ago I had to wait my turn." She busied herself with the charts, vitals and another dose of medication. She was almost out the door when she turned and asked, "Would you like a cot to sleep on tonight? We can have one sent down, if you'd like."

It was already dark. _'Would I be here that long?' _he asked himself. _'Of course I will.'_ "Yes, that would be great; thank you."

As it delved into the one o'clock hour, Cragen awoke to the sound of someone softly crying out. It took a minute to shake the rest of the sleep out of his brain, before he figured out it was Olivia he heard. "What's wrong?" he asked. When he got to the bed he realized that she was still asleep. "It's okay, Olivia."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anyone to see. I didn't mean to talk to the Nelsons. It was an accident. Please don't hurt me anymore," she cried.

Cragen took her hand in his and tried to soothe Olivia. "It's okay I know you didn't mean it; I'm not mad." That seemed to settle her down somewhat. He flashed to Olivia's mother, Serena. He had met her a couple of times in the precinct before she died. Cragen could never put his finger on it, but he was never comfortable around her. She definitely had a superior attitude. It reminded him of dealing with perps who believed that they had gotten away with the perfect crime.

Serena Benson never had warmed up to the idea of her daughter working in SVU and made that clear on one of the occasions Cragen had seen her. Olivia had been out on a call with Elliot when Serena came in looking for her daughter. She had heard of an opening in vice and wanted to pass it on.

"Funny," Cragen thought at the time, "she didn't want her daughter to work in SVU, but it was okay for her to be in vice where she would most likely be going undercover as a prostitute." He shook his head sadly as he watched Olivia thrashing around. _'What the hell is she dreaming about?'_

The small bit of rational consciousness that Olivia had left desperately screamed for her to wake from these terrible dreams (_memories_) that she was having, but she couldn't wake herself from the drugged state.

She dreamt about a little girl with big, dark eyes that even at the tender age of five looked as though they had seen many sorrows. Strange, she thought in her dream, the child's name is also Olivia.

Young Olivia sat on the front stoop of her apartment building enjoying the summer sun. Her long dark hair danced with a rich reddish glow in the sunlight. A young couple walked out onto the porch. They lived next door to Olivia and her mother.

"Hello, Ms. Olivia. How are you today?" The man who in his early 20s with red hair

"I'm doing fine today, Mr. Nelson," she giggled. He always called her that.

The man's wife was about the same age he was. She wore her blond hair in a short bob cut. They seemed to almost glow in her dream, like the Elves in the Lord of the Rings movies. _The light of the good_, she remembered thinking when she watched it. "Are you sure, Olivia? We heard an awful lot of noise last night."

The little girl looked down at her shoes. "Really, I'm fine; I kept bumping into things and talking loud."

"Okay, Ms. Olivia, if you say so." He smiled at her; then, she saw his face grow serious. "You know, if you ever need anything, you can come to us."

"I know."

He gave a small pat on the shoulder, causing her to wince.

Mrs. Nelson knelt down next to Olivia and pulled her shirt back a little. Her touch was gentle and warm. A deep purple bruise in the shape of a hand went across the girl's shoulder.

"I…I fell."

Mrs. Nelson cupped Olivia's cheek in her hand, "Oh, Olivia, honey, we both know that the bruise wasn't from a fall. What's going on, sweetie?"

"Yes, I did. I fell off the stool and mommy had to catch me. Please don't tell anyone." She ran back into the apartment house crying.

"What are we going to do, May?" Mr. Nelson asked his wife.

"Nathan, that little girl needs our help. She needs to be taken away from that woman." He nodded in agreement.

Olivia sat on her bed clinging tightly to a Pink Panther plush animal that the Nelsons had given her for her birthday. She knew her mother would be furious at her for talking to them. Her mom always told her that they were too nosy for their own damn good.

--Always interfering with _her_ business.

Olivia didn't understand why her mother didn't like the Nelsons. They were really nice people. Not even Serena remembered her birthday this year. She had stayed out all night at the bar. The Nelsons made her a couple of cupcakes with candles and brought them over.

Much too grown up for her years, Olivia pulled herself together and started to make dinner, (macaroni & cheese). When she heard her mother come in, she almost jumped off the stool she was on in front of the stove.

"Olivia! Where are you?" the light in the apartment seemed to grow dim.

"I'm in the kitchen, Mommy."

"You're not burning anything again are you?" Olivia could already smell the liquor on her breath.

"No, it's all ready, come and eat."

Shortly after dinner, there was a knock at the door. Her mother opened the door to find two police officers standing there. "Are you Mrs. Serena Benson?"

"It's Ms. Benson. What can I do for you?"

"We got a report of possible child abuse. Do you have a child?"

Serena's gray blue eyes were icy and her face seemed to distort when she turned to look at her daughter. Olivia's stomach knotted painfully.

"Yes, I do. Olivia, will you please come and talk to these men?" Olivia slowly walked forward until she was standing in front of the police officers. Her mother reached down and grabbed her bruised shoulder. She could feel the cold of her mother's hands through the fabric of the shirt.

"We were told that your daughter had a bruise on her shoulder and it was shaped like a hand."

"Yes, she does have a bruise on her shoulder. Olivia, tell them what happened."

"I was standing on a stool in the kitchen. I started to fall, and mommy had to catch me; that's all."

"Could we take a look at this mark?" Serena pulled the shoulder of Olivia's shirt off so they could look.

The officer nodded, then leaned down toward the girl. "Does your mom ever intentionally hurt you?"

"No," she said in a small voice. She was in big trouble. She could see the rage boiling in her mother's eyes.

The second officer asked Ms. Benson, "Are you currently having any problems with anybody who might want to mess with you like this?"

Serena shot another icy glare toward her daughter; "Yes, I can think of a couple that might stick their noses where they don't belong. I think that they have a problem because  
I'm a single parent."

"I see." The first officer closed his notebook. "Sorry to have disturbed you, Ma'am. We'll make a note that we spoke to your daughter, and she confirmed about the accident." They turned and left.

"You were talking to the Nelson's today?" Her mother's voice was low and venomous. Her face had turned into an ugly mask, some demonic creature draw out of Olivia's mind.

"I was sitting outside on the steps in the sunshine. They came out the door." She pleaded.

"And just how did the Nelsons see your bruise?"

"They said they heard a lot of noise last night. I told them I was talking too loud and bumping into things. He put his hand on my shoulder. I made a noise. I didn't mean to."

"Do you have any idea the trouble you could have caused me?" The mother-beast began to advance on her. "If you'd just take your punishment like you're supposed to and quit being a weak little brat, none of this would have happened."

"It was an accident. I just wanted to sit in the sun." She desperately fought back the tears.

"You just don't understand what a mean, ugly world it is out there. You have no idea the things men do to women _and_ little girls. He could have hurt you like I was hurt. You could have been killed; or, worse, you could have lived through it, like I did, remembering the pain everyday. Is that what you want?" She seized a hold of Olivia's arm.

"No, Mommy."

"You cannot let people get near you like that. They'll use your weaknesses against you. You must be strong!" Serena used her free hand to backhand her daughter across the face. This was the first time she had struck in a place that could not be covered up.

Tears began streaming down the young girls face. "Don't you cry! Don't you dare cry! This is all your fault. It's your fault that I have to look at you everyday and remember what that man did to me." Serena now focused all her rage on her terrified daughter, flinging her across the room. Olivia fell over the couch. Before she could move out of the way, her mother grabbed her and shoved her against a nearby end table. The corner of the table dug sharply into the girl's back. She crumpled to the floor trying to hold in a scream.

"I told you to be quiet!" This time she pulled her daughter completely off the floor and shook her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anyone to see. I didn't mean to talk to the Nelsons. It was an accident. Please don't hurt me anymore," she cried.

"Shut up. Just shut up!" She banged her daughter against the wall a few of times before realizing that Olivia had gone limp.

"Oh, no. Wake up, Honey; Mommy's sorry." The mommy-beast was usually sorry afterwards. "Come on, Baby, wake up for Momma." Serena carried her daughter into her room, carefully putting her in bed. Then, for the first time, she crawled into bed to lie next to her, the mommy-beast face was gone and she was Serena again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry; please wake up." She talked and played with Olivia's hair until early morning when she finally woke up.

It would be another ten days before anybody in the complex saw any sign of little Olivia.

For most of those days, Serena was 'Mother of the Year'; but as her daughter got better, things slipped back into old patterns.

The Nelsons received a letter stating that there was no cause to suspect child abuse in the home that they reported and a warning from the Super to stop harassing Serena Benson. They moved out before Olivia could see them again.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thnnk all of you who ahve taken the time to review. I must confess that I am not this prolific of a writer. I have already written throung chapter 10. I am just doling things out daily. My Beta seems to be busy right now, so if someone is interested in Beatng 10 let me know. _

Olivia spent the night at the hospital, unable to wake up, diving in and out of hellish nightmares regarding her mother. She felt like she had been running all night, her body and mind were wrung out. "Please wake up! Come on wake up." She begged. Slowly her eyes fluttered open. She took in her surroundings then looked at her body. She breathed a deep sigh of relief. She was Olivia Benson, adult, SVU Cop and…injured. A loud groan escaped as her back and head screamed simultaneously in pain.

She nearly screamed herself when a voice asked, "Are you all right?" Cragen watched as Olivia's eyes went wide with fear and her skin paled.

"Jesus Christ, Cap, what the hell are you doing here?" she placed a hand over her heart.

Cragen was going to lie and say he just stopped in before work until Olivia noticed the obviously slept in cot. "Did you stay all night?"

"_Busted,"_ he thought to himself. He had hoped to be gone before she woke up so she didn't get pissed off that they, (the men), were babying her. Cragen guessed that maybe he was kind of babying her. He didn't stay overnight for Fin when he got shot. He doubted he'd stay late for Stabler or Munch. He didn't think that they'd for him, either but for Olivia there would be hardly a second thought. It wasn't that they didn't think she couldn't take care of herself; hell she'd been doing it for most of her life. They were all forward thinking men, never doubting that she had their back on a case, but it just seemed worse if something happened to Olivia.

Maybe it's because she was more at risk in this field. She would be more likely to be raped or attacked by a suspect than one of the guys, or maybe it's because she had no one outside of work to take care of (_love_) her. No matter what the reason, she was just going to have to be pissed. "Yeah, I did."

"Why?"

"You're awake," Elliot strode into the room. "Hey, guys, she's awake."

"Hey, nice to see those brown eyes of yours again." Munch walked over and hugged her.

"Now you can do your own damn paperwork." Fin laughed hugging her also.

"What is everybody doing here? Did the doctor tell you I was dying or something?" She eyed them suspiciously.

There was a brief silence as they looked at the floor. Elliot smiled, "No we just wanted to be here for the lecture."

"Lecture, what lecture?"

"The one Dad's going to give you," Fin said.

She turned to Cragen, "About what? I didn't do anything risky, it was just an accident wasn't it?"

"Well not exactly, but it wasn't your fault. You don't remember how it happened?"

"Most of yesterday is a blur. I do remember something spooked…" she paused, trying to remember the child's name.

"Megan." Elliot helped but was only rewarded a glare.

Her eyes said what she didn't; _"I would have got it if you hadn't interrupted."_ "Megan. Is she all right, she didn't get hurt in the fall did she?"

"No, she's okay. In fact she's going to be great!"

She waited for Elliot to continue, "Go on."

"Later, I promise. It was McCabe that spooked Megan."

"McCabe?" it only took a moment for her to remember. "That jackass with the buzz cut?"

Elliot laughed, "Some how I knew if you couldn't remember anything else you'd remember McCabe."

"That son of a bitch, he's lucky I'm stuck here right now."

"Don't we know that," Fin added.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" she crossed her arms in front of her but winced when her bruised back muscles complained.

"Hey, I just know that if I was the one who fucked with you on this I'd made sure you were dead or I would have just shot myself to save me some pain. Besides we'll take care of it for you. Big brother style."

She should have been angry but just couldn't find it in herself to be.

"No, _I_ will handle it," Cragen warned.

"Speaking of pain, how are you feeling?" Munch looked over the top of his glasses.

"Fine, I'm just a little sore. As a matter of fact I feel pretty good."

"You should, after all the stuff they had to give you." Fin gave her a disapproving glare.

"What? I just banged my head and bruised my back, right?" She looked questioningly from one man to another.

"That's all that happened yesterday, but the doctor found a few things in your blood work that weren't good." Cragen was getting into full boss mode now. He knew he'd have to steel himself for the onslaught of excuses and anger that he knew were coming. "You haven't been taking care of yourself."

"All right, cut the crap what the hell are you talking about?" Olivia was starting to get very irritated.

"The doctor said that you have a low iron count, your blood sugars are noticeably low and your electrolytes are off, and you are also dehydrated, hence the IV bags. Dr. Andrews said that this was a good indication that you weren't eating properly and probably not sleeping either."

She wanted to wipe that smug look off all their faces. "Cap, we've all been there. How many times have you sent us home and we come back to work the next day and you're wearing the same clothes?"

"Okay, I'll give you that we all function in various stages of sleep deprivation, but there is no excuse for you not eating. Now I know I am not your father but you are apart of this family and if one of us has to spoon feed you, we will make sure that you eat!"

Olivia felt a slight bit of sadness when he said he wasn't her father. She wasn't sure why, he wasn't her father, but if anyone ever came close, it was Don Cragen.

She looked from face to face and knew they would spoon feed her if they thought it necessary. They cared. She thought a second or two about a smart-ass comeback but after remembering some of the terrifying things she dreamt about last night she just said, "Okay."

The men stood stunned until the Captain spoke. "Good, now that we have that out of the way, some of us need to get to work."

They quickly said their goodbyes to Olivia.

"I'll see you in a little while," she called to the retreating forms.

Cragen stopped in his tracks. "Elliot, I think you should stay here, keep Benson company until the doctor comes in. I want a full report on when he says she can go back to work and what her restrictions are. Make sure she does what she is told."

"Do I get combat pay?"

"Elliot, you're such an ass," she snapped.

"Detective, if I see you in my station a minute before your okayed to go back I will personally send you back to the hospital." He knew he was pushing her current good mood so he swiftly turned and left.

"You can just wipe that smirk off your face Stabler, you still have to work with me."

"Yeah but you're going to be on ass duty for a while, I'm sure I can earn your forgiveness by the time you're back in the field, armed."

"Shut up, Elliot!"

"So you want me to tell you about Megan now?" He asked with a self-satisfied grin on his face.

Olivia shot a deadly glare at her partner before she answered, "Yes, tell me. You said she was going to be doing great."

They were only interrupted a few times with nurses checking on Olivia. She gave the same stock answer to all of them when they asked how she was doing. _"I feel great this morning." _

Meanwhile,Elliot told her the whole story about finding Megan's grandparents and how they had been looking for her. He also told her about what Megan's mother had told her about her grandparents. "She was really excited to see them. It was great Liv. I talked to Casey last night and she said that she could get a quick hearing to give Rena Gilbert's parents custody pending a trial. They're going to file for full custody after that."

"Rena's not going to give up easily. They better be prepared for a fight."

"Oh, they will be. Casey's going to give them Simone's number."

"That'll work," Olivia laughed.

"By the sounds of things you must be feeling better this morning." Dr. Andrews walked into the room.

"Yes, I feel great. Can I leave now?" she asked hopefully.

Andrews laughed, "Not right this minute, but maybe today."

"Maybe today? Why maybe?"

"Because you have a concussion and some deep bruising on your back, plus I need some more blood work done to see if your numbers have improved. If your blood works comes back okay, you tolerate the oral pain medication well, you promise to eat better and get some rest and if you show no lingering effects with your concussion, I will send you home."

"When can I go back to work?"

"She's not in any kind of hurry, is she?" the doctor asked Elliot.

Elliot just shook his head. "That's my partner."

"That's right, you're a police detective aren't you? Than means that you could ride a desk for awhile."

"Not happily," Olivia warned.

"I think you might if it was a choice between sitting at home or sitting at a desk," the doctor countered.

"Good point," she agreed.

Elliot thought that he could really get to like this guy. That was until he opened his mouth again. "In that case I trust you enough to know when your body is ready to go back, but I don't want you out in the field for about 7 days. If all checks out with your regular physician after that then you can go back to full duty."

"Sounds good to me. Thank you Doctor."

"Someone should be by in a few minutes to draw some blood. I'll be able to tell you if you can leave by early afternoon. In the meantime it looks like breakfast is on its way. I would suggest that you eat all of it if you want to leave today." With that, the doctor turned and left the room.

It was Olivia's turn to look smug. "I believe you have a phone call to make," she said to Elliot.

"I cannot believe that he left it up to you to decide if you're well enough to return to work. That would be like…like…"

"Letting you?" She grinned.

"All right that will be just about enough out of you." He encountered a food services worker on his way out to go call Cragen. "Eat your damn breakfast."

"SVU, Cragen."

"Yeah, Cap, it's Elliot."

"You hear from the doctor?"

"Yeah, you're not going to believe this. He said that Liv could decide when she was well enough to go back to work, but no field duty for a week."

"That's just great. When does she get out of the hospital?"

"We won't know until this afternoon. He says that he has to see if there had been any improvement in her blood work. If that checks out okay and he's satisfied that she's still not suffering any ill effects from the concussion, she'll be out by the end of today."

"It's pretty slow around here, go ahead and stay until she's released. If anything comes up that we can't handle, I'll call you."

"No problem, I'll see you tomorrow Cap." Elliot went and got some breakfast before he returned to Olivia's room. "Good news, Cap says I'm all yours for the day."

"Well if we weren't stuck in a hospital, I might be able to do something with that," she said playfully.

Elliot stood stunned for moment before responding, "They give you some more pain meds, Liv?"

"No, just must be residue from the ones they gave me last night."

"Oh, so you're saying you don't want me unless you're drugged."

"You brought it up El."

"Ms. Benson, I'm Mandy from the lab, I need to draw some blood from you, but first I am going to take these IV's out. I'll leave what we call a heparin lock in your arm so we can still get blood without having to stick you." Olivia pushed the table holding the remains of her breakfast out of the way, and held out her arm.

"Oh, very good job on your breakfast, Ms. Benson." The male nurse from yesterday came in.

"It's Detective Benson." It was out before he thought about it. "Sorry, just a habit ya know, when we're out in the field."

"Don't worry about it, my wife goes through it too, she just made detective in robbery- homicide in Queens. Although I don't think her partner is quite as quick to correct things when they're out."

"My wife's a nurse at Gracie Square," Elliot said.

"Really? I know a few people there, what's her name?"

"Kathy Stabler."

"Blond right? "

"Yeah."

"I know her, she's a pretty good nurse. Funny I thought she was divorced or something."

"Separated," Elliot dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Hey, sorry man, I didn't mean to bring up any bad feelings."

"Facts of life I guess. Don't worry about it."

"The name's Jake Barton."

"Elliot." He stuck out a hand to show there were no hard feelings.

"Now back to you Detective Benson."

"Olivia."

"Okay Olivia, I'm going to check your vitals, then give you some medicine."

"What kind of medicine?" She inquired.

"Some ferrous sulfate, for the anemia, some potassium and a pain pill. So on a scale of one to ten, ten being extreme, rate your pain for me."

"One. I don't need any pain medication."

Jake rolled his eyes, "Lean forward so I can listen to your lungs."

She did her best to stifle the groan when she moved, but the pain was intense.

Elliot could see a solid pattern of bruising over most of her back. "Jesus Liv."

"El, I'm fine." She betrayed herself by flinching each time Barton moved the stethoscope around asking her to breathe deeply.

"Care to rate your pain again?"

"Five?" She didn't mean for it to sound like a question.

"Okay, let me tell you something, the doctor wants to know if you can tolerate the oral pain medication, and the better you manage your pain the quicker you will heal. Face facts, you are going to take the medicine."

The nurse finished up his exam and handed Olivia her medication. She took everything but the pain pill.

"I'm not leaving until you take them all."

She stared fiercely at him for a while before she finally gave in and took the pill.

"Damn, I feel sorry for any suspects you interrogate, that look just about killed me."

"I see Elliot isn't the only one who feels like a comedian today."

"Sorry just trying to lighten the mood. Nice meeting you Elliot."

"So who brought the flowers and balloons?" she finally noticed the gifts

"Munch brought the carnations and Fin brought the balloons."

"Okay, spill it, I really am dying right?"

Elliot chuckled, "No, I assure you, you are not dying, but we might kill you if you don't start taking care of yourself."

"All right, I'll take care of myself. Who are the roses from? If you tell me they're from you, I'll know there is something wrong."

"What you don't think I could do a nice thing for my partner by bringing her favorite flower?"

"Carnations and orchids are my favorite flowers, El."

Elliot looked very puzzled, "Doesn't every woman love roses?"

"Not unless you are saying I'm not a woman."

"No, I'm not saying that. Not at all."

"Okay so who are the roses from?"

"Romeo."

"Romeo? Who the hell is that?"

"That would be one Officer Lee Mathews."

"That young blond kid at the scene? Jesus he can't be much out of high school."

"Probably not, but he wanted to make sure you knew he stopped by. He is really cute when he blushes."

"Shut up, Stabler."

He ventured on, "Munch told him to come by the station."

"Oh no, he didn't!"

Elliot smirked and nodded his head. "He took great delight in it too."

Olivia groaned, "I'm going to kill Munch."

Olivia and Elliot talked for about a half an hour before she faded into light, fitful dozes. He used these opportunities to stretch his legs and to check in with Cragen and the guys.

"How she doing?" Munch asked. They were all on speakerphone in the Captain's office.

"She's rest…sleeping for now. We're just waiting on the doctor to see if he's going to release her today or not."

"You corrected yourself and said sleeping instead of resting. Is she not doing any better that last night?" Cragen asked.

"No, pretty much the same, Thrashing, mumbling things. The only thing I could make out is that she is cold. I got the nurse to bring in extra blankets. They even brought in a blanket that they had warmed, but it didn't seem to help. She fought tooth and nail against taking her pain medicine."

Cragen debated for a minute before telling the other detectives about the things he heard last night. They were all worried about her and maybe if they could put this all together they could help her. "She kept apologizing last night for speaking to the Nelsons."

"Who the hell are they?" Fin wondered.

Cragen hung his head, "People who she was definitely supposed to avoid because after she apologized, she pleaded for someone to stop hurting her anymore."

"Someone?" Munch mocked, "Let's not play games here. We all know who that someone is. Serena Benson!"

Silence hung oppressively over the phone line.

"Come on guys, you can't deny this, especially after the Eldridge case. We all know that Olivia told Casey something that made her plead her surefire murder conviction to a 5-year manslaughter charge in a juvenile facility. Casey just gets a distant, sad look in her eyes if you ask her about it and says that if Olivia wanted us to know she'd tell us."

"You asked Casey about what Olivia told her? That took some stones." Elliot couldn't believe that Munch would do something like that.

"Yeah, I tracked her down at O'Malley's getting drunk out of her mind after the trial. I was worried about Benson, was I the only one?"

"Take it easy man, I got the same song and dance from Novak when I asked her too." Fin offered.

In turn each admitted to trying to talk Novak into telling them what Olivia had said.

"See Munch, we all care about her, she's our baby girl." Fin was the only one brave enough to call her that out loud.

"All right, we all would like dig up Serena Benson and kick her ass, but we can't, so let's just focus right now. Elliot, let us know when you find out anything from the doctor, we'll keep up on things here."

'_Please don't hurt me anymore."_ These words weighed heavily on Elliot's mind. When he got back in the room Olivia was awake flipping through a magazine that Cragen had left.

"Hey there, I wondered if you died from boredom while I was asleep." Her voice was cheery, but he could see the exhaustion in her eyes.

"Naw, just thought I'd stretch my legs a little and check in with the Cap. You know, make sure the place hasn't fallen apart with us."

"And has it? Fallen apart, I mean."

"No, they seem to be holding together."

"Good, now all that we need is the doctor to let me go and we can be rid of this place and get back to work." Elliot just rolled his eyes.

It was almost five o'clock before Dr. Andrews returned to the room. "Yes I'm going to let you go home today," he answered the expectant question in her eyes. "I have a few prescriptions for you to fill and some instructions to follow when you leave. You are going to be sore for a few days, so I want you to take the pain medication I'm giving you. I know Jake already told you about pain management and healing. I'm going to give you a sheet on concussions and signs that you need to be seen immediately. I'm not kidding. Post concussion syndrome is nothing to play around with. You need to follow up with your regular physician before you can go back to full duty."

Jake Barton returned shortly after Doctor Andrews left to give Olivia her prescriptions and home instructions and said his goodbyes.

Olivia went to the closet. "El, my shirt is in pieces, what the hell am I going to wear out of here?"

"Must have cut it off you." Elliot took off his jacket and dress shirt, giving her the t-shirt he wore underneath.

"Thanks, now let's get the hell out of here." Elliot took her to get her prescriptions filled, picked up some food, and took her home. After dinner he made sure she had everything she needed before he left. "I guess I'll be picking you up tomorrow for work?"

"Ass duty is better that nothing." She smiled "It's okay El, I can take a cab or something."

"And Cragen would have my head mounted on his wall, not to mention other parts of my anatomy that I would rather keep. I'll see you around 7:30. Get some rest!"

Olivia was left alone with her thoughts, "Sleep, yeah right, whatever. Sleep means dreams and I have had enough of those for now." She took all of her medication except the pain pill, and then curled up on her couch with a book.


	6. Chapter 6

She may not be dreaming, but she was thinking and it was worse than the dreams. There was no vague shadowy world to blunt the harsh reality of what happened. There were no monsters faces to substitute for the real monster. Recollections were vivid and sensations were acute.

Olivia was huddled under a down comforter wearing sweat pants and a heavy sweatshirt. The thermostat in her apartment was on 74 and she was still freezing. She wondered if memories could be so intense that a person could feel the sensations related to that memory.

Little Olivia was now 10 years old on winter break from school, alone and sick. She had been left alone many times in her short life, but there was just something about being alone and sick that made you feel so much more…well alone.

It was 8pm on Tuesday, December 24th. She had not seen her mother since she left for work at 7am the day before. Serena had said that she was going to pick up a tree and they would decorate it, after work, along with the rest of the apartment.

By 3am Tuesday morning, Olivia knew that she had been blown off. She was used to being second to the bottle, but not to some guy in a bar. Not with Serena's drunken lectures echoing in her mind.

"Men are all bad, Olivia. Don't ever trust them. It will only lead to misery and unhappiness. They only want one thing from you and will take it if you don't give it to them, then you'll be saddled with a child just like me. Looking into her eyes everyday reliving the horrible things he did to you."

"Hello, honey, I'm home." Serena only called her daughter 'Honey' when she knew she had broken a promise to Olivia. "Olivia, Mommy's home. Where are you?"

"Not that you really care." Olivia growled into the book she was reading.

Serena pondered the silence of the house; a moment of panic seized her. What if something happened to her? "Olivia Lynn Benson if you are in this apartment you had better answer me!"

"I'm in my room! Now leave me alone!" Raising her voice started a small coughing fit.

She may have been gone for a while, but there was no way that she was going to put up with that kind of talk from her daughter, plus she made her worry. Serena Benson silently crept upstairs and stood outside Olivia's bedroom door. She slowly opened the door hoping to catch the girl off guard. She was greeted with her daughter's dark piercing eyes. "How does she always know?"

Olivia heard the quite snap of a toothpick. She didn't care; she was ready for a fight.

"Ms. Benson, what seems to be your problem?" Serena asked.

"What was his name?" her eyes bored holes through her mother.

"What are you talking about?"

"What was his name, or did you even find out?"

"I don't know who you who you think you're speaking to…"

"I'm speaking to you, Serena." Olivia mocked her mother's tone.

"Serena? I don't think so. You will call me Mother!" she shouted.

"Then be one!" Her daughter shouted back.

"Oh I see, you're upset about my parenting skills? You don't know how lucky you have it."

"What, are you going to tell me that all parents leave their 10 year old children alone for almost two days?"

"Other parents don't have to try and keep a roof over their child's head and food in their stomach and clothes on their back alone, with no help from anyone."

"You weren't at work, Serena! You let some stranger in a bar pick you up and take you home." Olivia hopped off her bed and stood toe to toe with her mother.

Serena looked down and thought briefly how tall Olivia was getting. She was growing up so fast. Her face was beginning to lose its childlike qualities. You could almost see the shade of the beautiful woman she would become. Serena knew that she herself was a pretty woman; she never had trouble getting a man's attention…when she wanted it, but Olivia was going to be exotically beautiful. She was going to be tall, with olive skin tone, beautiful dark hair and those big dark eyes. She was going to get all the attention she wanted and more and this scared Serena to death. She wanted to lock her daughter away to protect her, to save her from the terrors of the world.

"What are you staring at?" Olivia's words snapped her out of her thoughts. Deep down she loved her daughter deeply, but like most alcoholics, she was selfish. No one tried to lay a guilt trip on Serena Benson.

"Apparently a very spoiled little girl. Do you think it would be easier somewhere else? Do you think anyone else would put up with you? Not when they find out what you are. You, my dear, are the daughter of a rapist. Which means you are predisposed to violent behavior. Who would want to deal with that, other than me? Maybe I should put you on the street so you have to beg for food and change like those kids who hang out in front of the university." (Actually she ran into them outside of the bars but she wouldn't admit that.)

"Whatever." The comment about her violent conception and her predisposition to violence took some the edge out her bravado. It always did.

"Whatever? Well then let's just see how you'll fair." Serena reached into Olivia's closet and threw a backpack at her. "You have 5 minutes to pack up a few things."

She looked at her mother. _Was she serious? She was really throwing her daughter out of the house on Christmas Eve?_ Part of the little girl was immediately terrified, but there was the secret part of her that screamed, 'Freedom.' She kept one eye on her mother as she quickly gathered items and stuffed them into the backpack.

"Time's up, let's go." Her mother grabbed her arm and headed out of her room. Olivia was shocked when they didn't head for the stairs, but to her mother's bedroom. Serena opened a sliding glass door and motioned for Olivia to go out onto the small deck.

"What are you doing?"

"You think I'm going to let you run loose on the streets telling people God knows what about me? I don't think so. Now out."

She turned and watched her mother slide the door closed; "You better not call any attention to yourself up here either. Remember what happened last time you tried something like that?" With that Serena locked the glass door, put a stick in the track to keep it from opening and closed the curtain.

"She'll be begging for me to let her in before morning. I don't know where she got that attitude, but it's her will against mine and I will win." Serena brought a bottle of vodka into her room and waited.

Olivia dusted the snow off the lounge chair and sat down. She started to go through the things she grabbed. She had her winter coat, hat and gloves and a couple of changes of clothes, but she hadn't brought any blankets or food. She drew herself into a ball and tried to go to sleep.

She had just dozed off when another coughing fit woke her. The cough was starting to make her throat very sore.

Suddenly another though seized her, coughing on the deck in the middle of the night would certainly draw some attention. She might be determined to show Serena she could do this, but she certainly didn't want to risk any outside attention. She pulled a shirt out of her backpack, using it to stifle further coughing.

It was still dark out when Olivia realized she had to go to the bathroom. Coughing only made the situation a little more dire. She sat and pondered her options. Sorting through the less than desirable options before deciding to try and go through her mother. She squared her shoulders and knocked on the glass door.

It was almost six-thirty am when Serena heard the knock on her slider. She smugly went to answer the door. "Yes?" she was going to make her beg for it.

"I have to use the bathroom."

"Not my problem, go out there."

Olivia looked at the deck, "You told me not to call any attention to myself. I think that would draw some attention."

"I'll get you something then."

"You know if I were on the street I could find my own bathroom."

"Fine! Use the damn bathroom. But I'm not letting you back in."

"I'm not asking to be let in." She was very cold, but wasn't about to give in.

The bathroom was between her and her mother's bedrooms so she quickly snuck into her room, opened a window and threw a blanket and pillow over to the deck. She also snuck out some books and a flashlight from her room. "A little better," she thought to herself, as her stomach growled, "but still no food."

Serena was furious. She couldn't believe that her daughter was not begging to be let in; it was Christmas Day after all. If life had a soundtrack, "You a Mean One, Mr. Grinch," would have been echoing through the apartment.

Olivia heard the slider unlock and quickly hid the books she had brought out. "Merry Christmas, Dear." Her mother's voice was nauseatingly sweet.

Olivia didn't look up until she heard the slider violently close. She could feel tears standing in her eyes. "Why are you crying over this, it's not much different that most other Christmases?" she scolded herself.

On Friday, the third day of exile, she was caught trying to sneak into the kitchen after she was let in. She used the excuse that if she were on the streets she would at least be able to go through the garbage, but it didn't work this time. Her mother was furious that she still hadn't given up and would not give her any more 'privileges'. What Serena failed to notice was the paleness of her daughter's skin and the raspy sound when she breathed. Her sparkling eyes were now dull and pained.

She thought she would easily break Olivia with this little 'lesson', but greatly underestimated the child's will and independence. It would take more than four days to end this little stand off and it would not be Olivia who gave in.

Sunday morning when Serena woke up it was already 10 am. She had gotten no knock on the door asking for the restroom. "This is just a game, she's just trying to get to me." She walked over and looked out the slider. Olivia was lying on the chair, curled in the fetal position, shivering violently.

When Serena opened the door she could hear her daughter wheezing. "Olivia? Are you okay?" She touched Olivia's forehead and felt the fever burning under her skin.

"Mommy." She said weakly, "It hurts to breathe." She broke into a deep bone-rattling cough.

"It's time to come in." Olivia willingly crawled into her mother's waiting arms.

Serena set her daughter onto the bed, stripped her down to a t-shirt and her panties, then covered her up with a sheet.

"I'm so cold Mommy, can't I have another blanket and something warmer to wear?"

"You're running a fever, putting on warmer clothes or using another blanket will only make it worse." She went and got the thermometer and some cold medicine out of the bathroom. "Now let's see how high of a fever."

"What's it say?" She asked before breaking into another coughing fit.

"102 degrees. Now take this medicine and lay down, we're going to take a nap."

A couple of hours later Serena woke up to more coughing. There were tiny blood specks on the sheet and in Olivia's hand.

"Oh my God," she exclaimed. She got her daughter dressed, loaded her into the car and headed for the hospital.

"Your daughter has double pneumonia. She's in very serious condition. Her fever has hit 104 degrees and she is very dehydrated; we're going to have to keep her for a while."

"Are you saying that she may not make it?"

"I'm sure she is going to be fine, kids are strong and usually bounce back very quickly. My concern is that she seems unusually weak, how has she been eating?"

"Not very well I'm afraid. I fix meals, but she just won't eat," she lied.

The only thing Olivia really remembered about her week in the hospital was that she never thought she would be warm again and the nurses were very nice. She almost wished that she could stay there forever.

Serena visited her a total of three times, (including the initial visit to the hospital and the day Olivia was released). She did, however, take full advantage of being childless. She celebrated New Years Eve in a bar drinking unheard of amounts of alcohol and dancing the night away with several men. She began wishing she didn't have to go back to being a single parent.


	7. Chapter 7

Elliot arrived 45 minutes early at Olivia's. He wanted plenty of time to try and talk her out of going to work today. He buzzed twice but got no answer. "She must still be asleep." Turning to leave, he figured that it was the perfect way of making her stay home.

He was halfway back to his car when a small corner of his brain spoke up, "She's a cop, she would hear the buzzer if she was just asleep. What if she can't buzz you in?" The voice nagged, "Maybe she's lying on the floor unconscious or maybe she had a reaction to the pain pills?" Elliot hated this voice. It was his worst-case scenario voice, born from years on the force, seeing the worst that people could do. It was what made him call Kathy three times before she would arrive at her parent's house. It was what made him sit up until his daughters returned from their dates even though he had to go to work early in the morning, or sit in his children's room all night when they were ill. Now it was making him return to Olivia's building…just to be sure.

He fished his keys out of his pocket; it was easy to find the right one. It was white with yellow, 70's, smiley faces on it. Elliot laughed when he remembered how that key came to be.

Olivia had called him while he was getting ready for work, asking if he could pick her up a change of clothes because she had been called into work while in the middle of a date.

He had the code to get into the main door of her building, but had to track down the super to get into Liv's apartment. Once he finally found the guy he was met with a brick wall. He reminded Elliot of an English bulldog, with a pitbull disposition. "Didn't she call you and tell you I was coming here?" he snapped.

"I talked to _someone_ about this." He eyed Elliot and his ID suspiciously.

"You have her work number on file, why don't you call her back and confirm this?"

Olivia had been taking quite a bit of harassment about her attire, so she was not in the mood when the super started in about his responsibility for the safety of all the tenants in the building. "Has he showed you his ID?"

"Yes he has, but I…" he was cut off.

"But what? The man is an NYPD detective; I am speaking to you on the phone giving permission for you to let him into my apartment. What is the problem?"

"Well, how do I know that this is legitimate? The badge could be faked. How do I know if you're actually Olivia Benson?"

"What?" She shouted into the phone. "This is absolutely ridiculous. I swear if I have to leave work to straighten this out, someone is going to be sorry, so why don't you just go up to the apartment with him? He is there to pick up a black duffle bag. If he takes anything more than that, call the cops."

"It's against our policy, unless you have something on file with us, but since you're a police officer, I'll do it this once. I'd really suggest that you give someone a key to your place in case anything like this comes up again."

Elliot got the bag and made one last stop before he arrived at work.

"Hey, Liv! Next time I worry about you when some psycho is hunting for you, you know like wanting to walk you up to your apartment and stuff, remind me of this." He laughed dropping the bag on her desk. "But I do like the dress."

"Go to hell, Stabler. Fin, I'm going to fill the Captain in, then I'll change and we can go."

Elliot gave Fin a devilish grin as he lifted a disposable camera out of his pocket while waiting for Olivia to exit Cragen's office.

"Liv!" he shouted, getting her attention so he could shoot the picture. Fin about fell out his chair laughing when Olivia started after Elliot.

"Benson, Fin don't you have some investigating to do?" Cragen hollered from his office door.

Olivia gave Elliot a deadly glare before going to change. When she was far enough away all three men broke into laughter.

"Oh, man, you know you're not going to live out the day, don't you?" Fin swiped at a tear.

"Hey, she's your partner until this case is done, I can dodge her until she calms down."

"Munch is going to be sorry he missed this. He'll never believe it," Fin smiled.

"Yeah, but we have proof." Elliot triumphantly held up the camera.

"Speaking of being sorry, Olivia should be back soon, you might want to make yourself scarce." Cragen warned, "Oh and Elliot?"

"Yeah Cap?"

"I expect a copy of that when you get it developed." Elliot grinned and nodded.

When Fin and Olivia returned later that day she dropped a key off at Stabler's desk. "Just be prepared El, if I have to come in the middle of a date again, I'm calling you right away to bring me clothes, no matter what time it is."

Since there was almost always someone home when he got home, Elliot never noticed that Olivia's key was almost identical to his, but after Kathy and the kids left he would usually spend several minutes fighting with the lock on the door only to realize that he had the wrong key. After a couple of weeks of complaining about it to Olivia, he came to work one morning to find a 'smiley face' key lying on his desk.

"What's this?" he asked.

She simply said. "A key"

"Thanks, smart ass, what is it for?"

"It's a new key to my place, so you'll know which key is which."

Elliot punched in the code for the main doors, then made his way to Olivia's apartment. He knocked on the door before letting himself in. "Liv?" He noticed two things as he entered. The first was that it was very hot; the second was the sound of a hair dryer.

He followed the sound down the short hallway to the bathroom to find the door open. Olivia was standing in front of the mirror, drying her hair, dressed only in dark slacks and a blue bra.

Ordinarily, Elliot would have been embarrassed to catch his partner this way, but he could see the blackening bruise that started between her shoulder blades and extended down to her waist. He also noticed how she would pause every few seconds to cautiously stretch her back. She definitely did not need to go to work today.

"Liv." He moved a little so she could see him in the mirror.

She dropped the hair dryer on the floor. "Jesus Christ, El are you trying to kill me, or is this just for fun?"

"Um…I really didn't…um Liv, can you finish getting dressed before we continue?" he asked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable seeing her like that.

"Shit!" She exclaimed pushing the bathroom door closed. She emerged a couple of minutes later. "So why is it that you felt you needed to sneak up on me half an hour before you were supposed to be here?"

"There was no answer so I got worried. It's a sauna in here Liv, what are you doing?"

"I couldn't get warm last night, and quit avoiding the question, why are you here so early?"

"You shouldn't be going to work today," he said matter-of-factly.

Olivia sighed as she sat down to put her shoes on. "The doctor said that if I thought I could handle it, I could go."

"And you feel you can handle it?"

"Yes, Elliot, I do."

"Then, I'm mistaken that you just winced when you reached down to put your shoes on, and that you routinely had to stop every few seconds while drying your hair. Not to mention the fact that it looks like you didn't sleep much last night."

"Just drop it El, I am going today. If I get tired or it bothers me, I will come home early."

"Yeah right." He muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing, are you ready? We can pick up something for breakfast on our way."

"I'm not very hungry, you can pick up something if you like."

"Not a chance, remember spoon feeding? Don't think we won't do it."

"Fine, I'll eat. Let's go." She slipped on her coat, grabbed her bag and walked out the door.

Elliot noticed her pain medication on the table next to her couch. He shook his head and put them in his pocket.

Olivia carefully slid into her chair at her desk. Elliot sat a large blueberry muffin in front of her, along with a carton of milk.

"Milk, did you think you were getting breakfast for Dickie or Lizzie?"

"Listen, you're the one who would give me any ideas about what you might like for breakfast."

"I thought coffee was a given."

"I got you coffee too, but only if you're a good little girl and eat all your breakfast."

She narrowed her eyes, "You've been around when I've gone through caffeine withdrawals before, El, are you sure that you're up to it again?"

He pretended to debate the subject for a few minutes. "Stabler, give me my coffee now."

"Hey, man, give the woman her coffee. Getting in between someone and their morning caffeine, now that's just cold." Fin snatched the coffee from Elliot and set it on Olivia's desk, "Good to see you." He gave her a quick hug.

"Hey, Fin, I was holding the coffee for ransom until she eats something."

"She will, won't you Benson?" Olivia nodded smugly. "See, she will, just let her breathe for a minute."

Before Elliot could add anything, Munch walked in. "Benson, what are you doing here?"

"Uh, same thing you are, working. Actually, you never really work do you Munch?"

"Ha, ha, very funny. Don't you think it is a little early for you to be back to work?"

"I agree." Captain Cragen said as he wandered out of his office.

"The doctor told me I could go back to work, actually to desk duty, whenever I felt well enough. I have documentation if you need it."

"I read it. Elliot dropped it off last night, after he dropped you off." Cragen held up some photocopied pages.

Olivia's patience began wearing a little thin; "And so the problem is what? I'm at my desk, aren't I?" Elliot received another glare from his partner.

"Um, nothing is wrong, I just need to talk to you for a few minutes." Cragen was a little taken aback by her outburst.

Olivia could not hide her irritation as she stood up hastily. "Dammit." She cursed under her breath, while she clutched her desk for balance. She quickly let go, hoping nobody had noticed.

"Man, she doesn't look good," Fin sighed.

Elliot was astounded. "Wasn't it just you who told me to back off, that she could take care of herself?"

"Yeah, in front of her. Besides I think it's better that she's here, rather than alone in her apartment. At least here, we can get her food when we get ours, make sure she's not doing anything that she's not supposed to, and she won't think we're babying her."

Elliot grinned. "I'm impressed. That is a lot easier than fighting with her, and you don't piss her off."

Cragen drew in a deep breath before beginning his speech, "Look Olivia, I know how it pisses you off when you think that we are treating you differently, but it's not because you're a woman. We're just worried about you."

"Captain I appreciate…"

He silenced her with a wave of his hand. "Let me finish. We, including you, would act the same way if it were Elliot, Fin or Munch who received a significant injury only two days ago."

"Don, it was not that serious of an injury. I fell off of a step stool." She suddenly realized that her head was pounding.

"Onto a cement floor, loosing consciousness I might add, that is serious Olivia. And from what Elliot told me about the bruise on your back, it's no little thing either."

"Elliot exaggerates. It's just a bruise. No big deal."

"Then show it to me."

"What?"

"I want to judge for myself."

Olivia laughed nervously, "Aren't there rules about this?"

Cragen raised his eyebrows. He was in no mood for joking right now. "Olivia…"

Deciding it was best not to push him, she stood up and turned around. Don noticed she was having trouble getting her arms around so he lifted up the back of her shirt for her. "God Olivia, that's not just a bruise."

"Are you sending me home?" she asked pulling her shirt back down.

"No, I'm not going to send you home, but you are going to take some sack time today."

His thoughts were similar to Fin's; '_I won't worry about her if she's right here.'_

There was a loud knock at the door. Elliot poked his head in. "Just got a call from Mercy Hospital saying they have a rape victim, Fin and Munch went to check it out."

"Thanks." Cragen turned back to Olivia, "Do you have any pain medication with you?"

"You know, I think I forgot it at home today, but I'll be fine."

"Oh, no you didn't, Liv, I grabbed it for you." Elliot produced the bottle from his suit pocket.

Cragen smiled. "Well then I guess you're both dismissed."

"Aren't you Mr. Efficiency today." Olivia snarled.

"That's just the kind of guy I am," he said, undaunted.

Olivia spent the next hour trudging through paperwork, and trading occasional jab with Elliot. He was glad to see her mood lighten a little, but he noticed her stopping more often to massage her temples. He was about to suggest she take a pain pill when she got up and left the room. A few minutes later she came back with a bottle of water and reached for the medication.

Elliot kept his head down and pretended not to notice.

"Hey, El?" she asked, "Is it cold in here to you?"

He looked up from his paperwork. "No, not at all, are you cold?"

"I have been since this stupid accident. I just can't seem to get warm."

"You know, I think I heard once that it's not uncommon for a person to feel cold when they're injured."

"Who's cold?" Munch came in shaking snow off his hat.

"Me! It's freezing outside and it's snowing like hell!" Fin griped.

"No, who's cold in here?" Munch smacked Fin's shoulder.

"Liv is cold."

"Well, Benson, maybe we should set you outside for a while and then you'd appreciate how nice and warm it is in here," he said getting her back for her earlier comment.

She laughed at his comment, but Munch saw a flash of grief in her eyes.

"What was that?" he questioned, suddenly feeling guilty. "Seriously though, can I get you some tea?"

"Sure John, thanks." She wondered what brought on the sudden change. She gratefully wrapped her cold hands around the cup for a little while before returning to her paper work. The room grew quiet as everyone else did the same.

A half an hour later, Elliot felt an eraser hit his head. He spun around in his chair facing his two prime suspects. They both pointed at Olivia. Elliot turned back around to see her facing her computer screen, head up, hand on the mouse, eyes closed.

Cragen had also seen her from his office. He walked over to her desk and gently shook her shoulder. Olivia opened her eyes to see Cragen standing there. Without argument she got up and went to the crib.

It was one o'clock when Munch yawned and stretched. "Anybody else here getting hungry?"

"Lunch sounds good, who's running?" Elliot nibbled on his pen.

"Not me, you guys looked out the window lately?" Fin mumbled.

"How about we order delivery?" Munch grabbed several menus out of his desk drawer. "Anybody up for Chinese?"

"Were you not out with me earlier? It's cold. Anything you order is probably going to be cold when it gets here, and Chinese doesn't nuke well."

"Fin's right, John. How about that sandwich shop a few blocks away, don't they deliver? Soup is easy to reheat."

"Sounds good to me, write down all your orders and I'll call," John agreed.

Fin turned in his order, and then went to get Cragen's while Elliot wrote down his.

Munch started to dial when Fin stopped him. "Shouldn't we get something for Olivia?"

"Thanks for reminding me." Elliot wrote down a turkey sandwich and soup on a slip of paper and handed it to John.

"Hey guys, how are you?" George Huang entered the bullpen.

"Hey Doc, what brings you here?" Elliot inquired.

"I was just talking to Casey about my testimony on an upcoming trial when she told me the Olivia was in the hospital, so I thought I'd find out what happened and which hospital she was at. Casey couldn't remember."

"Well actually you can speak to her in just a few minutes when I wake her up for lunch." Elliot informed him.

"She's here? Was Casey mistaken?"

"No, Olivia was trying to get a young girl to come down off of a cabinet two days ago. She almost had the girl down when a stupid ass uniform grabbed for the girl. Liv was standing on a step stool and got knocked off balance. She fell hitting her head on the basement floor. She suffered a concussion and a contusion to her back. The doctor also said she was dehydrated, her iron and potassium were low and she showed signs of exhaustion. They made her stay through most of the following day before sending her home last night."

"And now she's here? Does her doctor know?"

"We've come to the conclusion that the guy was a quack," offered Munch. "He told her she could return to work on desk duty, 'when she felt well enough.'"

"He's obviously never dealt with SVU cops before." Huang laughed.

"Who's never dealt with SVU cops before?" Cragen joined the conversation.

"Benson's doctor," Fin offered.

Cragen was puzzled. "What do you mean 'He's obviously never dealt with SVU Cops before?'"

"Unless you guys are made to rest, then you probably wouldn't even slow down for your own funerals." George figured it had to do with the horrors that they witnessed everyday. They kept busy to chase away the demons. They had to keep going, getting just one more predator off the streets. Driving yourselfthemselves into the ground was the only way, they seemed to feel to accomplish this. They all did it, including Cragen, but Olivia was the worst. She drove herself harder because she was the only woman in the main squad, feeling like she had more to prove. At least that is what he thought.

"Very funny Doc. I'm going to go get Liv. Lunch should be here any minute." Elliot climbed the stairs to the crib. When he walked in to wake her up all he could see was an unmade cot and her boots under the bed. "Liv? Liv? Where are you?" He decided to check the women's restroom near the crib. Knocking loudly he hollered, "Liv, are you in there?" A woman exited the bathroom and told Elliot she was the only one in there.

He opened several doors down the hallway, but there was no sign of his partner. "Where the hell could she be?" He went back to the top of the stairs overlooking the bullpen. "Hey, anybody see Benson down there?"

"Isn't she supposed to be up there sleeping?" asked Munch.

"She's not here, I've checked in all the rooms."

"I'll check the ladies room, but I think we would have noticed if she came down here," Fin said.

Cragen was already standing next to Elliot at the top of the stairs, Huang followed closely behind. The three split up and researched the rooms. George found himself standing in the back stairwell, and, on a hunch, he climbed up a little ways, noticing the door to the roof was not closed all the way. "Don, Elliot, I think I found her." By this time Fin and Munch had joined them upstairs.

"Spread out and look." Cragen yelled above the wind. He walked around the backside of the roof entrance. There he found Olivia, huddled up against the wall with her knees drawn to her chest. Her hair, shoulders and feet were covered in snow.

"I found her!" The others came running over.

"Come on Olivia, we need to get you back inside." Cragen tried to help her stand, but she pushed him away.

"No, I have to stay here."

"Liv, you have to come in, it's too cold for you to stay out here like this." Elliot tried to help her, but he was also pushed away.

"No, now go away before I get in trouble."

Elliot tried reaching for her again, but was halted by Dr. Huang. "She's not awake."

"She needs to be taken in, who knows how long she's been out here." Cragen protested.

Huang turned back to Olivia, "Why do you have to stay out here?"

"My mom said I had to stay out here until I learn to appreciate what I have." Cragen, Fin and Stabler turned and looked at John. He felt like he had been kicked in the stomach.

"Well I just talked to your mother and she sent me to bring you in. She said you've learned your lesson."

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound like my mom. She was really mad when she put me out here."

"I promise, if you come in now, everything will be okay." George took her hand and helped her up. This time she went willingly.

When they got her back down to the crib, Elliot tucked her back into bed, "You need some sleep," he ordered. She laid her head on the pillow and immediately fell asleep.

"Um, Elliot," George began, "as Don pointed out, we have no idea how long she was out there and her clothes are soaked from sitting out in the snow. She needs to get out of those wet clothes, so unless one of you are willing to change her clothes for her…"

The men stared at each other for a second. Elliot shook her, "Liv you need to wake up."

"What? What's the matter?" She asked sitting up. She ran her hand through her hair. "Why am I all wet?" She looked at the group of men standing there.

"You were apparently sleep walking and ended up on the roof. You need to go change out of those wet clothes before you succumb to hypothermia," George explained.

"Okay." Olivia was still not quite sure what was going on, but left to go change.

"Should we send her to take a hot shower?" Elliot was heading back down stairs with the others.

"No, warming her up too fast could cause her heart to stop."

"I'm going to get her a warm shirt and tell her not to get into the shower."

Dr. Huang followed Cragen into his office. "Something I can do for you Doc?"

George settled himself into a chair; "You didn't seem very surprised when Olivia said her mother put her out in the cold. You know in all likelihood, she was reliving an incident from her past. I know her relationship with her mother was rocky, but I didn't suspect this."

Cragen look sadly at the other man. "A couple of days ago, I would have been surprised, but I today I can say that her mother probably did lock her outside during winter."

"What changed?"

"I have been thinking of calling you about this, but I wasn't exactly comfortable with the way I came to have this information."

"Does this have to do with the Eldridge case? Olivia spoke to me a little about it."

"Partly, you know, she got Casey to plead it out."

"Yeah, but neither has said why."

"I don't know either, Olivia told me she had a very good reason behind it. The look on her face…I didn't pursue it any further. But I think that this last case may have come too soon after the Eldridge one. It's so similar. A young girl conceived by a rape, an abusive alcoholic mother. The little girl dropped mom's liquor bottle, Mom snatched it up and took off after the little girl with it."

"What did you find out?"

"When Olivia was in the hospital, I stayed overnight. She had nightmares all night long. She kept apologizing for speaking to a couple named the Nelsons and pleading not to be hurt anymore. Elliot said the bad dreams continued the next day when she'd fall asleep. This time she was cold."

"Like she was being kept outside."

"Yeah, I'm a little worried. She was already exhausted at the start of this, and from the way she looked this morning, she didn't sleep much last night."

"Well that ties in with the sleep walking. Excessive fatigue and high stress, a traumatic event are all triggers. She probably was a sleepwalker when she was young. I can try and talk to her if you like, but if she's not willing to open up to me I can't force her on this."

"I know, but I'd appreciate it if you'd try."

Olivia was sitting at her desk picking at a sandwich when Huang went up to her. "Hey, Liv, do you have a second?"

She eyed him suspiciously but followed him into the interview room.

"How are you feeling?" he began.

"A side from feeling a little stupid, I'm okay, why?"

"We don't know how long you were outside or how low your body temperature got."

"I think everything is okay. I'm regaining feeling in my feet and hands. I'm still cold, but Elliot gave me a sweatshirt to wear and I ate some hot soup and drank some more tea."

"That's good. Did you sleep walk as a child?"

"Sometimes. The neighbors would find me and bring me back to the apartment."

George's expression suddenly became very serious. "When you were on the roof, you refused to come back in. You said your mother had put you out there to teach you a lesson. Did things like that happen often?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she hastily stood up. "I really need to get back to work. Thanks for checking up on me."

George gathered his things and walked to the bullpen to say his goodbyes. Cragen was leaning over Fin's computer monitor when he looked up expectantly. He let out a sigh when the doctor shook his head negatively.

Olivia wouldn't even look at anybody when she came back in the room. Cragen walked slowly back to his office. He was really beginning to worry.


	8. Chapter 8

I love all the reviews I have been getting and I like to respond to all of them, but I will not be able to for a few days while I work on chapter 11 (yes 11). PLease still review and I will respond shortly!

Chapter 8

It was day four on desk duty for Olivia and she was bored out of her mind. "I wonder if you can get cabin fever in under an hour?" she muttered opening a manila folder. She began to read about a 'Peeping Tom' who used a tree to see into a house. He apparently went too far out onto a branch causing it to snap. After falling several feet to the ground, the man found himself eye to eye with the family German Shepard, who proceeded to drag the man around the yard by his ankle before trying to bring him in the house through the pet door. The man's one leg made it through but the right didn't. This caused the man to end up with one leg at a 90-degree angle to the other and his genitals caught in between the frame of the pet door and his leg. Just for fun, the family had taken a picture of him in his awkward state. Munch and Fin had put a copy in the file.

Olivia clamped a hand over her mouth to try and stifle her laughter. It was no use. There may have been no sound coming out of her mouth, but her sides were trembling and she had tears in her eyes. "If I don't get back in the field soon, I think I'm going to need a straight jacket."

Elliot walked in a short while later to find Olivia holding her side with one arm and wiping tears away with the other. "Liv, what's wrong, Are you all right?" He kneeled down next to her chair.

"El, I'm fine really." Her eyes sparkled with amusement as she looked up at him.

"Are you…are you laughing." He hadn't seen her like this in a while.

She was finally able to calm herself down, "Yes I am laughing, why?

"Well I wasn't sure when I first walked in. What are you laughing about?"

"Nothing really, I just think I am going stir crazy sitting around here." She handed over the file she had been reading.

Elliot snickered when he held up the photo of the 'Peeping Tom' in obvious pain. "Your right it's definitely funny, but I think your are going stir crazy too. We need to get you back on the streets. When is your doctor's appointment?"

"Today at 11."

"Do you think he'll release you? Are you feeling better." She looked better over the last couple of days.

"I don't see why not. The pain is almost gone. I've been eating. Getting my rest." She wasn't lying. She was sleeping better. The dreams (_memories_) were fading. No one brought up any more about the sleepwalking incident. All and all she felt like she could tackle anything.

"Good. I'm getting a little bored out there by myself."

"Really? Your bored without me around?" she could tell by the look on his face, that he something more to say.

Elliot grinned like the Cheshire Cat, "Yeah, how is anyone to know what a spectacular detective I am if your not there to witness it."

Olivia shook her head, and laughed.

"What's so funny?" Munch waltzed in the room.

"Elliot trying to convince himself he's and ace detective."

"Maybe we need to get Huang in here to talk to you about your delusions of grandeur, there Stabler."

"Only if you'll talk to him about your paranoia." Elliot retorted.

"Paranoia, you must be talking about Munch." Fin interrupted.

"Hey, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that it's not true."

"Hey, Fin, here's the report on the Kensington case." Olivia handed Fin the file she was working on when Elliot arrived.

"You like that. The pooch did our job for us."

"How come this guy just let this dog drag him around the yard?" Chuckled Olivia.

"Well, it seems that Mr. Kensington broke his arm and got the wind knocked out of him in the fall from the tree and was afraid of dogs. He told us that he wouldn't have been out that far but he had forgot his glasses. The dog turned out to be recently retired military, medical division. He'd get sent into dangerous areas to retrieve wounded soldiers. I guess he decided he was still in action. The best guess of the owners is that the dog, drug him around to bring him safely out of a 'mine field' or a heavy fire area. He then brought him into the house to be treated."

"That guy is an idiot." Elliot offered. They were al laughing now.

"Children, do we not have enough work to do." Cragen stood in the doorway of his office.

Fin and Munch scattered to their desks. Elliot began intensely staring at his computer screen. Olivia was still smiling when she walked over to Cragen.

"Something I can do for you Detective?"

"Just a reminder that I have a doctor's appointment at 11."

"You do know whatever he says must be in writing."

"Are you saying that you don't trust me to accurately relay simple message from my doctor?" She looked at him innocently.

Cragen snorted, "In writing detective."

Olivia legs swung nervously against the exam bed as she waited for the doctor to return. "How old are you, five?" she contemplated stilling her legs.

"Okay let's see here." The doctor flipped through her chart. He was a big man in his late fifties, slightly balding and work 'Buddy Holly' type glasses. "How have you been sleeping lately?"

"Good, fine, why?" she felt the nerves jumble in her stomach.

"You look tired."

"Name of the game, you can understand that can't you Doctor Jansen?"

"Yes, I understand, but with the information I received from Doctor Andrews at Mercy leaves me with a few questions."

Olivia bit into her lower lip, "That was a result of some very unusual circumstances."

Jansen looked at her doubtfully, "No nightmares or anything like that?" He caught her uneasiness. "What is it?"

"I…uh…had a couple of bouts of sleep walking. Nothing major though. Nightmares are again part of the game. I see a lot of ugly in my job." She hadn't told anyone about the night after the first incident. Olivia had woken up to find herself curled up in the stairwell several floors up from her own apartment. Fortunately she got back home before anyone noticed.

"Hmm, I see." A long heavy silence fell over the exam room. After what seemed like hour to Olivia he spoke again, "I see no reason that you can't return to work today. We took some more blood and should have those results in a few days, but unless you hear from us everything's fine."

"Sounds good to me, I just need a release to give to my boss."

"I'm not done yet." He said holding up a hand. "You have been coming to me for many years now so I am going to be blunt about this: I was very unimpressed with the report I got from the emergency room. Now before you start, I know your job is hectic and often requires long hours, but that is no reason to neglect your body. You need to eat. You've lost 8 pounds since I saw you last. I want to see that come back. You're too thin. There is no reason to let yourself dehydrate it is very dangerous. More water, less coffee. You need to try and get some more rest. Fatigue will only slow the healing process down. You will need to keep taking the iron until I see you again in three months. Don't miss it. I will also say that if I ever get readings like this again, I will put you in the hospital on forced bed rest. Am I clear."

Olivia didn't dare chance a remark so she just nodded.

Elliot could tell that Olivia was cleared to go back to work before she entered the bullpen. Being on desk duty has a tendency to 'take the wind out of one's sails', but he could see her confident stride and even from a distance he could see a flicker of satisfaction in her eyes. "Welcome back, partner."

Olivia flashed Elliot a dazzling smile but did not stop to talk to him. Instead she breezed over to Cragen's office. She knocked on the door but did not wait for an answer.

"Come in, Detective." He said sarcastically.

"Cleared for return to regular duty, _Sir_." She causally tossed the papers onto his desk and sat down.

Cragen slipped on his glasses and scrutinized the note scrawled on a prescription pad. _"Detective Benson has been cleared to return to her regular duties at work."_

"Smart. Very smart." He nodded.

"Excuse me?"

"Not using any here to write the note. Although I'm sure there are laws against stealing prescription pads, so I'll have to write you up on that."

Olivia leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "Go for it."

They stared at each other for a few moments before succumbing to laughter.

"Good to have you back, Olivia, now get out there and…"the phone interrupted him. "Well it looks like you get your first call. There's been a report of an attempted rape, here's the address. Get Stabler and check it out."

"Get your ass moving, we've got a call." Elliot grabbed up his coat and followed Olivia out.

"What do we have?" Elliot pulled into traffic and headed for the address Olivia had given him on the way out of the precinct.

"An attempted rape by a boyfriend according to the report. Vic called it in herself."

Back at the precinct Desk Sergeant Allan Bales scans the room. He notices a young girl wandering around. He's about to ask her where her parents are when she sits down next to an elderly woman with a cane and begins talking to her. Both smile and laugh together.

Bales breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want to deal with a child out by them self today.

A short while later the little girl approaches Bales, "Excuse me Sir, my Grandma is resting over there but we are supposed to see a Detective Olivia…" _Oh no, what was her last name?_ Megan turned back toward the woman with the cane who smiled and nodded. _Elliot had said her name at the hospital._ "Olivia…."

"Benson?" He finished for her.

"Yes. Olivia Benson."

"She in the Special Victims Unit. Down that hall and around the corner you'll see it. I think she is out on a call right now though."

"Okay, thank you and where is the bathroom?"

"Down the hall just before the corner." Megan goes back and speaks with the elderly woman, who then nods. The girl smiles and heads for the restroom.

Bales goes back to work failing to notice the woman with the cane get up and leave with an man about the same age without the little girl.

Megan peaks in the SVU squad room. It is almost empty. The two people that are in there have their back to the doorway looking at some board. She silently entered the room scanning the desks for Olivia's. She was lucky hers was in the first two. She looked at a picture of Olivia with her arm around an older woman. Megan wondered if that was her mom. The woman was smiling but there was a cold distant look to her eyes. She had seen that same look in her own mother's eyes.

Before anyone could notice her, Megan crawled under Olivia's desk pulling the chair in to hide herself.

Elliot knocks on the door of an apartment. "Ms. Adams? It's the police. You called us?"

"Please come in, it's open." A voice sounded from the other side of the door.

Elliot and Olivia exchanged confused glances. "Hi, I'm Detective Stabler and this is my partner Detective Benson, you called to report an attempted rape?"

"Oh, yes. My, you got here quickly. Please sit down, I've made some tea." A middle-aged woman motioned to the sofa in front of her.

Olivia took note that the woman's clothes were in perfect order and not a hair seemed out of place. She also noticed the smell of fresh baked cookies in the apartment. The look on her partner's face told her that he noticed the same things.

"Ms. Adams…" he began.

"Oh, please call me Trish, all my friends do." She bounced out of her chair and headed for the kitchen, "I almost forgot about the cookies."

"Okay, Trish, are you the one who called to report an attempted rape?" Nothing that they had come across yet indicated that this woman had been the victim of a violent crime.

"Yes, oh yes, I was very frightened. Terrible, terrible thing." Trish Adams reappeared still wearing the oven mitts she had used to get the cookies out of the oven. Her face had changed from the happy hostess to an exaggerated mask of despair.

"Could you please come and sit back down." Olivia asked, "We need to get some information from you."

"Oh, I'm sorry Detective." She quickly returned to her seat.

"Now can you tell us what happened?" Olivia got out her notebook and pen.

"Well we were just sitting here watching TV, when…"

"Wait, who's we?" Elliot interrupted.

"Randy, Randy Rainer, my boyfriend."

"You boyfriend is the one who attacked you?"

"Where does Randy live?"

"Here with me."

Olivia shook her head, "Okay, Trish please continue."

"Well we were watching TV when we started to kiss. I was okay with that, but then things started to go a little farther. I told him no, I wasn't ready."

"Ready, what do you mean, ready?"

"Well you know to go that far."

"To have sex with him?"

"Yeah. I just wasn't ready, but he wouldn't stop." She snuffled but no tears fell. "He kept pawing at me, grabbing at my clothes. Finally I was able to shove him off, then he ran out of the apartment."

Stabler scanned the apartment, "This is a one bedroom correct?"

"Yes."

"Where does Randy sleep?"

"In the bedroom."

"Where do you sleep?" Olivia tag teamed.

"In the bedroom."

"And you have never had sex with him?"

"No!"

Elliot held up an 8'X10" picture frame, "Is this a picture of you and Randy?"

"Yes." Trish Adams could sense that she was losing her audience.

"Big, guy, what is he about 6'2"?"

"6'5""

"6'5", and what about 250?"

"Uh huh."

Olivia took over the next question, "And you're about 5'3"?"

She nodded.

"About maybe 120?"

"Yes."

"Quite a size difference, how were you able to get him off of you?"

"I'm not sure, I just did?"

"Did you change your clothes after it happened?"

"No these are the same clothes I was wearing."

"Freshen you make-up or hair?"

"No, I had just been attacked why would I do that?"

Elliot joined back in, "Where did the attack occur?"

"Here, in the living room, on the couch you are sitting on?" Crocodile tears began to flow, "I though you were supposed to be helpful and kind. I'm a victim here."

"Well, I have to be perfectly honest with you, Ms. Adams, you story is just not adding up."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well for starters there your appearance. You say you were involved in an altercation with a man better that twice your size and there is not a hair out of place, you clothing isn't even wrinkled."

"Secondly, you say the attack occurred here in the living room, but nothing has been overturned, pictures are still standing and I don't know of many victims who would leave there door unlocked after an attempted rape."

Olivia paused allowing Elliot to jump in. It was their routine fine tuned after years of working together. "Or fix tea and bake cookies."

The panic began to show in Trish's eyes, "Well maybe I just react differently to stress."

"Okay we'll give you that, but that still doesn't explain the living room and your appearance." Elliot offered his best patronizing smile.

"Well…I…uh…" she was squirming in her seat when the front door opened.

"Trish, honey I bought you some flow…" The large man from the picture stared at the detectives. "Who are you?"

"Are those for me Randy? They're beautiful." She sprang up from the couch enveloping the man in a hug.

Olivia rubbed her temples in frustration. "Sir, were detectives from the Special Victim's unit. We're here following a complaint of attempted rape."

"Rape? You called the cops and told them I tried to rape you because I didn't have sex with you?"

"Don't be mad Randy! You hurt my feelings; I thought you didn't find me attractive anymore. I was angry." Trish pleaded.

Randy glared for several moments, then his face softened into a smile, "You know I could never stay made at you, baby."

Elliot had had enough. They had just wasted an hour for a lover's spat, "You know, filing a false police report is a crime."

"Oh, no, I don't want to go to jail, Randy, please help me."

"Officer…"

"It's Detective Stabler."

"I'm sorry, I know you've wasted your time here, but is there anyway that we can work this out. She's really a good person she's just insecure. It was my fault really. I swear it will never happen again."

Elliot looked over at Olivia who just shook her head. "All right but maybe you two should think about counseling."

"Oh course, we'll check into it."

When they got onto the elevator Olivia laid her head back against the wall and sighed. She heard Elliot begin to snicker.

"Elliot this is not funny, that woman is seriously disturbed."

"Yeah, it is." He laughed. "How many times is it the woman who's pissed of because the man won't put out?"

She looked at him for a few moments. His blue eyes sparkled mischievously, "You right it is."

A couple waiting for the elevator eyed the two detectives suspiciously as they left giggling. "Welcome back partner." Elliot patted her shoulder affectionately. It was kind of nice that her first case back wasn't serious.

They had just pulled into a coffee shop when Elliot's cell phone rang, "Stabler."

"Mrs. Gilbert, yes I remember you. No, I'm sorry I haven't." Elliot face grew concerned as the conversation continued. After several minutes of uh huh's Elliot promised "Yes, I will call you if I hear from her. I'm very sorry."

"Is everything all right? Is it one of your kids?"

"No, it was Jeannine Gilbert, Megan's grandmother." Olivia had to think for a moment. Her memories from that day were cloudy at best.

"Megan, the little girl with the drunk mother?"

"Yeah, she's missing."

"Did her mother take her?"

"No, her mother is still in jail. They think Megan ran away. Some of her things are missing."

"Have they notified their local police?"

"Uh huh, they called from their local precinct. They thought that we might have heard from her."

"Why would we have heard from her?"

"Apparently all she does is talk about you."

"Me? El, I was with the girl for ten minutes."

He fidgeted slightly before continuing, "Megan overheard Cap and I talking at the hospital."

"And…?"

"Well I might have mentioned something about your…uh…past and how similar it was to Megan's." Sensing her tense up he waited for the explosion.

"You talked about that, why?" she was more embarrassed that angry.

He knew if he told her the real reason that they were talking about it she would come unglued. Olivia unglued was not something he wanted, "Cap was wondering why the girl seemed so attached to you after such a short time. I said I thought it might be because she could tell you two had similar lives. That you understood her." Once he thought about it, it really wasn't a lie. Megan had been possessive of Olivia from the moment she got hurt. He had to convince the paramedics to let them ride along so that Megan would let them take Olivia.

To Elliot's surprise she accepted his explanation without any fuss, however she was very quiet on the ride back to the precinct.

Elliot parked the Sedan but did not make a move to exit the vehicle, "Something wrong Liv?"

She appeared to be intensely studying her hands, "I was just thinking about Megan."

"About why she ran away?"

"No, I think I understand that. It's got to be quite a change for her. Everything's different now." Most of Olivia's memories of that day were fuzzy or just snippets except for Megan. She could recall the deeply troubled look in her eyes. The way her voice sounded when she said the she had hurt her mom. The torn fabric of her nightshirt and the deep red stains of blood surrounding those holes. It was these visions that haunted her nights as of late.

"Yeah, but it's a good kind of different. She doesn't have to worry about anything, She can just be a kid."

"That's just it El, she's taken care of her mother for so long. She's going to have to learn how to be a child, how to react to things differently. I bet it's pretty overwhelming."

"I never thought about it that way, but your right, I bet she is pretty overwhelmed." He could see sadness clouding her eyes making them almost black and found himself wishing that he could give Olivia the childhood he knew she never had.

"Hey, Benson, how was your first case back?" asked Munch.

"A joke, a very bad joke."

"How's that?" Cragen stepped out of his office.

Elliot dropped heavily into his chair, "First when we got there she says that the door is unlocked.

"A rape victim leaving a door unlocked?" Fin's curiosity piqued.

"Then when we got in, she was baking cookies." Olivia perched on the corner of Elliot's desk.

"Cookies?" Cragen groaned. He had an idea where this was headed.

"She looked like she had just stepped out of the beauty salon." Olivia said rolling her eyes.

"Not to mention, that the living room where the 'attack' occurred was spotless, not a picture over turned, not a cushion out of place."

"Or the boyfriend she fought off. I'm pretty sure that Elliot would have had a hard time taking him. The man was a wall with eyes."

Elliot's expression fell into a pout, "I could've taken him."

"Oooh, that one is going to cost you Benson." Fin laughed.

"Sorry partner, I didn't mean to imply that you're lacking in any way." Olivia apologized, but her tone clearly mocked him.

"Hmph, see if I ever get in between you and some perp you've pissed off."

"Oh you know you're my hero." She batted her eyelashes at him as she sat down at her own desk.

"Oh yeah, I can see that."

"Children…" Cragen chided.

"Sorry Cap," Elliot cleared his throat, "Turns out that our 'Vic' was pissed off at said boyfriend for not putting out when she wanted."

"So she tried to file a rape charge on the dude?" Fin was incredulous. "That's not right."

The banter was interrupted when Olivia suddenly jumped out of her chair, sending it sailing into the wall behind her, "Shit! Something just grabbed my leg."

She bent down to look under her desk when Megan Gilbert crawled out and flung herself into Olivia's arms. "Livvy, I'm sorry I scared you. I was waiting and I guess I fell asleep. I just touched you so you'd know I was there."

"It's okay sweetie," Olivia's legs were still trembling. "How did you get here? Why are you here?"

"I took some buses to get here. I had to see you. I kept asking Grandma and Grandpa to bring me here to see you, but they kept saying that I had to wait until you were felling better."

"Your Grandparents are worried sick. They called here looking for you."

Megan buried her head in Olivia's shoulder and began to cry. "Your mad at me aren't you?"

"Honey, I'm not mad. I'm just worried about you. You could have gotten hurt going all that way by yourself and nobody would have known."

"I didn't want to worry anyone, it's just that..."

"That what honey?"

"I'm worried about Mommy. I want to see her. Grandma and Grandpa say I shouldn't worry, that I'm safe now. They say I'm lucky that you guys found them because next time Mommy could kill me. But she wouldn't do that. She was just upset, that's all. I just want Mommy to come home."

Cragen cleared his throat. "Um…Olivia why don't you take Megan upstairs and talk. We'll notify the grandparents."

"Can you see if they will give me a little time? I think that she could use some time before she goes back."

"Understood. We'll do the best that we can."

She took Megan upstairs to a conference type room. It was a little bit bigger that an interrogation room with a long table with chairs, a sofa and a recliner. Olivia took a seat at one end of the couch and patted the cushion next to her, but Megan crawled into her lap instead.

"When is my Mommy going to come home?" Tears shined in her eyes.

"Sweetie, your Mommy won't be home for a while. She did a bad thing and she has to talk to a judge about it."

"But who's taking care of her. She won't even eat unless someone fixes it for her. What about when she's drinking? Who's going to make sure that she doesn't choke when she gets sick?"

Olivia felt like ice water had just been poured over her head. How many nights had she sat up making sure that her mother stayed laying on her side so she wouldn't choke on her own vomit. "First of all, the place you Mommy is at doesn't allow drinking, so you don't have to worry about that. Secondly, she gets three meals a day brought to her. Lastly it's the job of the people that work in the jails to take care of the people in there."

"What's the judge going to do?"

"He or she will decide how much time your mother will spend in jail for what she did."

"But it was my fault, I'm the one who broke the bottle, then I hurt her." She started to cry again.

Olivia wrapped arms tightly around the young girl; "It was never your fault. Never."

"You don't understand, I hurt her; I meant to hurt her."

Elliot paused outside the partially open door holding two cans of pop. He silently waged a battle against respecting Olivia's need for privacy in this matter and getting some more information about her past. He finally decided that her need for privacy was out weighed by his need to help her, and knowing more would increase his ability to help.

"I do understand Megan."

"Did you hurt your mommy too?"

Olivia bit into her bottom lip, "Yeah sweetie, I did. I was older than you are now."

"How old?"

"I was sixteen. A guy I had been seeing asked me to marry him and I said yes. When I told my mom she got really angry. She dropped her bottle and picked up the broken end and came at me."

Megan let out a loud 'gasp' and her hand flew up to her mouth. "Your Mommy did that too? What did you do?"

"I kicked her, twice. The second time she fell against the wall and slid down. I ran out the door and found someone to help me."

"Was it Simone? She said she has known you for a long time."

"Yeah it was Simone."

"She's going to help me too," Megan played with a lock of Olivia's hair "But I don't think I need help anymore. Now that Mommy knows that I fight back she won't come after me anymore, right Livvy?"

A few stray tears slid down Olivia's cheek, "No Sweetie, everything is not going to be all right. You mom is sick and needs help. She will keep doing things like this until she get some help."

"Your Mommy stopped after you hurt her, didn't she?" she sobbed.

"No, she didn't stop after that."

"Not even for a while?" Megan laid her head on Olivia's shoulder while still fidgeting with the lock of hair.

"Less than a week." her voice cracked with emotion.

"What did she do?"

"Oh, honey, I really don't think you need to hear this."

Megan turned Olivia's face toward her own, her voice quietly pleading, "Please Livvy, I need to know how bad it was."

Olivia closed her eyes in an attempt to reign in her emotions, "All right."

Elliot wasn't sure her was up to hearing anymore, but he stayed for Olivia's sake. He needed to know how to help her.

Serena Benson never tried to press charges against her daughter for the assault because she knew that her own actions may be called into question also, but she never forgave her either.

When Olivia returned home she could feel her mother's anger raging just under the surface. Serena kept her distance for a while, but the verbal assaults never stopped and in fact became more vicious and frequent.

Five days after she returned Olivia was walking to school when she realized she had started her period. She quickly ran home to clean up and change. Racing into the apartment she dropped her books on the floor by the front door.

She had no reason to suspect anyone was home until her mother came storming out of her bedroom, "What the hell are you doing home?"

"What…what are you doing home?" she had assumed her mother would have gone to work from where ever she had ended up the previous night.

Serena shoved her daughter against the wall, "Don't you back talk me! What are you doing home?"

Olivia could still smell the thick stench of vodka and cigarettes. She must have been up all night drinking, "I started my period, I need to change and stuff."

"Well you little whore, I guess the world can rest easy for another month. God only knows what kind of beast that you'd give birth to."

"Whatever." Olivia rolled her eyes and started to walk away when she was hit from behind, knocking her onto the hall carpet. She quickly jumped back up turning toward her mother.

"What are you going to do? Kick me again? Maybe this time you just want to do it right and kill me." Serena taunted. She was testing the waters. Trying to get her ironfist control back.

Olivia could not bring herself to retaliate; she had become too afraid of the emotion that drove her to 'attack' her mother a few days ago. After all Serena had been saddled with a child conceived in violence, and with this child she had to look at the eyes of her attacker daily. "I'm going to change." She did not see the smug look of triumph on her mother's face.

She cleaned up, changed her clothes and allowed herself a brief, silent cry before heading back downstairs. She was just about to head out the door when her stomach growled. She scanned the downstairs for any signs of Serena.

She quietly snuck to the kitchen and fixed herself a bowl of tomato soup hoping it would settle her agitated stomach.

Olivia only managed to get a few bites down before a voice thundered from behind her, "What are you still doing here? Why aren't you at school? You don't have anything else going for you, so you better get an education. There's no man that'll stay with you once he finds out what your father was."

"I was just grabbing a little something to settle my stomach."

Before she knew what was happening Serena grabbed the bowl off the table and poured the hot soup over her daughter's head, "There's your soup, now get to school!" She yanked Olivia off the chair and pushed her towards the front door."

"Mom what are you doing? I need to change again."

"I told you to get to school, " She pushed her out the front door, "and if  
I find out that you didn't go, there is going to be hell to pay!"

Elliot wasn't sure what need was stronger at the moment, the need to put his fist through some solid object or the need to throw up. How could anybody live through something like that and still be a caring compassionate person? That was more that he could process at the moment.

He started to head back downstairs until Megan's next question froze him in his tracks. "How old were you when she quit hurting you?"

Olivia could no longer hold back her tears, "No, Megan, please."

The young girl turned so that she was facing her, cupping Olivia's face in her small hands, "How old, Livvy?"

"She stopped the day she died. That was 6 years ago."

"Oh my God." Elliot groaned. He promptly clamped his hand over his mouth, hoping that he had not been heard.

"Why, why would she do that? You were grown up." Megan bawled.

"She didn't like the job I had chosen."

"At a police girl."

"No here, where I help people who have been raped." She knew from her own experience that the little girl knew what rape was.

"But your helping people like her and my mommy."

"I don't know why she hated it so much, but we fought about it all the time. Three days before she died, I went over to her house for dinner. She was already falling down drunk when I got there, but she was still trying to make dinner. I told her to forget it, that I would call and have something delivered. We argued about it for a while then I got called into work. That set her off. She swung the frying pan and hit me in the arm. It hurt so bad. For a few minutes I was sure it was broken. She was screaming about my job, how it was going to be the death of me. She said that no matter how many victims I helped that it would never erase who I was, who my father was. I just left. Three days later she was gone."

Elliot felt a fresh wave of nausea hit as he remembered the night she had showed up at a scene, pale and favoring her left arm. He had asked her what happened. She told him that she had slipped on her bathroom floor and fell against the sink. He also remembered on rare occasions when she'd wear short sleeve shirts seeing some bruises, never thinking twice about it.

"Livvy, no matter what I do, my mommy is never going to love me is she?" Megan tightly wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and buried her face in her chest.

"Not as long as she is drinking. It won't let her think of anything else. That's why she needs to spend some time away. They put her through classes to help her deal with what happened to her and how to quite drinking."

"What am I going to do?" she broke into a fresh round of tears.

Olivia gently stroked the girl's hair. "You going to stay with your grandparents and write your mother telling her how important it is that she does everything she is supposed to so she can see you again. Then you going to go to school and make friends. Maybe you'll do sports or join clubs. You're going to have slumber parties and go to your friends' birthdays. You are going to learn how to be a little girl again. If your mother quits drinking and is a part of your life, great, if not, it's not your fault and you have to move on. She has taken enough away from you. You deserve to be happy."

"I love you, Livvy." Megan said through hitching sobs. Soon the sobs quieted and she fell asleep in Olivia's arms."


	9. Chapter 9

_First I forgot in the last chapter was to give a thank you to Angellvr69 for letting me use the story about the soup from her difficult past. Also once again I am letting you know that I am working on chapter 11. My grandson and his parents are living with me so I am watching him a lot while parents are at work so it may take a few days to update after 10. Bear with me please!_

Chapter 9

Elliot had been deeply lost in thought regarding his own rocky upbringing. He knew from his work in SVU that it was more that likely that it was his grandfather's flaws that had created his father's and in turn his. You know, 'sins of the father' and all that. Rebecca Hendricks had called it abuse and maybe it was. He certainly would never do that to Dickie, but he had a childhood. He had his friends and school, sports and clubs.

The only thing he found himself particularly embarrassed about was his siblings. Typical feelings, especially when he hit teenage years. He also had his mother who, even though she never went against him, did her best to offset the abrasive cop. Grandparents who doted on him and his brothers and sisters, even his paternal grandfather. Never one for a lot of physical contact, he felt as loved by the man as any Stabler male could. What would it have been like to have no one but his dad?

Fin rounded the corner to find Elliot leaning up against the wall just outside of the upstairs conference room. "Hey man, what's up? You eavesdropping?"

Fin's voice shattered Elliot's reverie causing him to almost drop the now warm cans of soda on the floor. "Jesus! No! I am not eavesdropping!" he insisted but his voice was only a loud whisper.

"Hey, your funeral," Fin's smirk faded, "I was just coming to tell Benson that the Gilberts are here to pick up Megan."

"All right, I'll let her know." Unsure of what Olivia's current state might be, he warily pushed his head in the door, "Liv? The Gilberts are here for Megan."

"Thank you," she paused for a moment then craned her neck around to look his way, "hey El?"

"Yeah?" he found himself only mildly surprised to see her ever-confident game face, no crack in this façade.

"Megan's asleep, and I don't think it would be a good idea if she woke up alone, would you mind watching her while I talk to her grandparents for a minute?"

"Sure, no problem," he helped Olivia negotiate herself out from under the little girl.

"_No cracks unless you look too deep into those eyes," he thought as he briefly locked eyes with his partner._

"Olivia, it is so nice to see you doing so well," Jeannine Gilbert smiled warmly as she took the detective's hand in hers.

"Doing so well? I'm sorry, did we meet?" Her memory of the day of the accident and the next couple of days had become increasingly hazy.

"Forgive me; with as much as Megan talks about you, I feel like we have actually spoken," Jeannine explained, "when we picked up Megan, she was waiting in your hospital room."

Munch and Fin quickly busied themselves with paperwork after receiving a 'we will discuss this later' glare from the female detective.

Oblivious to the exchange Lee Gilbert continued on, "Had we known that you were not only out of the hospital but back to work we would have brought Megan to see you sooner. We wanted to give you time to recover before dealing with a seven year old."

"Thank you for the consideration, but Megan is welcome any time."

Mrs. Gilbert bowed her head, "Maybe if we would have, she wouldn't have run away like this."

"That's what I would like to talk to you about, Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert, would you mind?"

"Please, call us Lee and Jeannine, and yes we would love it if you could clarify this." The older woman took hold of her husband's hand.

"You can use my office if you want, Liv." Cragen held the door to his office open for the couple, "can I get you two some coffee?"

"Yes, thank you that sounds wonderful. We've been up since four this morning, when we discovered Megan missing." Lee fell into one of the chairs in the office.

"That does sound good, thank you Captain." Jeannine sat down next to her husband.

"Either of you take anything in your coffee?"

"I take mine black, but she likes a couple of sugars in hers."

"Take all the time you need." Cragen said handing the coffee to Olivia.

"I just don't understand why Megan ran away," Mr. Gilbert began, "I know she has wanted to see you, but, please don't take this wrong, she barely knows you."

"Lee…"

"No, Jeannine, it's a fair assessment. Megan wasn't as desperate to see me as she was to talk to someone who understands that she wants to see her mother that she's a little unsure of what to do with herself now?"

"After everything Rena has put her through why does she want to see her?"

"Megan feels responsible for her." Olivia said honestly, "her mother told her that she's the reason that she is so unhappy. Rena probably also made it seem like she had done Megan a great service by keeping her, because once someone found out about her and how she was conceived, no one would want her. Plus it's all Megan knows. She has been the adult, pretty much since she and her mother left. She has waited up for her, cleaned up after her when she has thrown up after drinking. She has had to stay up nights, making sure she didn't choke on her own vomit. She keeps the house up and probably even started to make sure monthly bills get taken care of."

"But she doesn't have to do that anymore. It's time for her to just be a child." Tears slipped from the older woman's eyes.

"Yes! She does, but it's not going to happen all at once." She tried to explain, "Are either of you two retired?"

"I am," Mr. Gilbert answered.

"How did it feel at first when you didn't have anyplace to go everyday? Nothing specific you had to do?"

"Oh, God, he was impossible to deal with for about a month. He called me at work all the time, painted this, fixed that or moved this. Most of it were things that didn't need to be done or had been done recently. That old doghouse must have gotten 15 coats of paint on it, and two room additions and we didn't even have a dog at the time. I was ready to kill him."

"I just didn't know what to do with myself," Lee blushed.

"That's the way it is for Megan."

"I thought she would be happy living with us," he whispered sadly.

Olivia placed her hand overtop of Lee's. "She is, but that makes her feel guilty."

"What do we need to do to help her adjust? We're willing to do anything," assured the grandmother.

"You already love her, that's obvious and number one. Be patient with her, she is going to need a little time. I'm going to give you a list of child psychologists. This will help Megan's transition go a little smoother. If you can afford it, or have insurance that will cover it, I would strongly recommend Dr. Elizabeth Olivet, she does great work. The others on the list are very good also, but we have worked closely with her on some cases, I think Megan will respond well to her. Also as much as it will pain you to do so, you need to let her visit her mother. Megan needs to see how she is doing and to tell her a few things. Lastly, give her things to do around the house to help you. I would guess that she's not too bad in the kitchen."

"Really?" Lee perked up, "I was a chef for years. I'd love to have her help me in the kitchen; I just thought that she was too young."

"I certainly hope that you and your co-workers are willing to take in some of this food that is going to be pouring out of my kitchen or I am not going to be able to get out my front door."

Olivia laughed, but Mrs. Gilbert could still see a deep sadness in her eyes. "Were you close with your grandparents when you were young?"

"Uh, no, my mother's parents were already dead when she had me. It was just my mother and me." Unsure of how much the Gilbert's knew about her past, she quickly changed the subject. "Why don't I get you those numbers and I'll get Elliot to bring Megan down."

Olivia slipped out of the room leaving the couple alone.

"Must have been a hell of a life," Lee contemplated.

"Yeah, Megan had us until she was five. Can you imagine spending your entire childhood with someone like Rena?"

"Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa," Megan shyly peaked around Olivia's leg, "Are you really mad at me?"

Lee knelt down in front of the frightened girl, "Honey, we're not mad; we were just worried that you might be hurt or something. We didn't even know where to start looking. We love you, Megan."

"It's okay, I promise Megan, we are just very glad that you are safe. No one is going to hurt you."

Megan looked up at Olivia for guidance, "Really, it's okay honey, everything is okay."

The girl tentatively reached a hand out to her grandfather, "I love you too," she said suddenly throwing herself into his arms. Jeannine quickly added herself to the hug.

Lee swatted at a couple of tears that slipped down his face, "Well I guess we should get you home, you do have school tomorrow."

Megan said her goodbyes to the other detectives, and then she came to Olivia, "Livvy, I'm sorry I did this. I know I could have been hurt and you have work to do…"

"Sweetheart, you are always welcome to call me or see me, you just need to get permission first. Now this is my card, I have my cell and home number on the back; you can call me even if it's just to talk. Anytime."

Megan hugged Olivia tightly while she whispered, "I love you."

Olivia fought back the tears when she returned the sentiment, "I love you, too."

"Thank you, again, for your help detectives," Jeannine beamed.

"Our pleasure," assured Cragen,

"Here is that list I promised you," Olivia handed them a list of therapists as she walked the trio out.

When Olivia got back in the others were at their respective desks immersed in paperwork. They were not getting off that easy, "So guys, just how many people did you parade through my room while I was asleep?"

"We sold tickets to benefit the Policeman's Widow's Fund," Munch peered overtop of his dark glasses, "but we let the lovesick Officer Matthews in free. By the way, lovely roses weren't they."

"Breaking in a new partner wouldn't be all that bad," Fin thought as he contemplated various ways of shutting John up.

"Matthews? That's the young guy at the scene right?" Elliot just nodded knowing anything more would only make things worse. "Why the hell would you let him in? And Megan's grandparents?"

"First Megan wouldn't leave you side. She sat at your bedside and held your hand until her grandparents got there. We couldn't very well leave her alone in the room while one of us waited at the front door of the hospital asking everyone who approximately matched the description, 'Are you here to pick up your lost granddaughter?' now could we?"

Cragen's best fatherly voice interrupted the beginning of her tirade, "Second of all Olivia, you were unconscious, not asleep. A concussion among other things, remember? I think that was enough of an excuse for us not thinking about limiting who was visiting you. Now if you're through yelling at your fellow detectives, I'd like to see you in my office for a moment."

Olivia nodded and followed Cragen into his office. As soon as the door closed Stabler was over at Munch's desk. "You know you are the only one around here who thinks you're even remotely funny, don't you? You know who tense Liv has been all week, why are you trying to antagonize her?"

"Come on, I was just trying to lighten the mood around here."

"I don't care what you are trying to do; I'm moving my desk over by Olivia and Elliot's."

"Why?"

"Because karma, which by the way is going by the name of Olivia right now, is going to kick your ass."

"Or I am, back off John," Elliot growled before returning to his desk.

"So what's up Cap?" She nipped at her bottom lip unsure of why she had been summoned to his office.

"Olivia, I know you always emotionally in tune with the victims we deal with, that's what makes you so good at this, but I am a little concerned about your attachment to this little girl and her attachment to you."

"Capt…"

"This is not Captain Cragen talking to you right now, this is a concerned friend. You've been through a lot lately. There was the Eldridge case, little Maria, your partner and a fellow detective being shot, your partner's divorce and now this. "

"I understand what you're getting at, but I do have this in perspective. Megan was scared. She clung to me because she needed to feel safe. I was her safety. Now she's confused, she's not sure how she is supposed to feel so she went back to the last person that made her feel safe. Her grandparent will have all this settled very soon. I know this is the last time I'll see Megan." He could see in her eyes that she meant everything she said, but he also had seen the light in her eyes when she saw Megan.

"I'm sorry Olivia."

"It's all part of the job."

A sad silence hung on the air for several long moments before he finally spoke again, "All right, get out of my office and get your paperwork done."

"Don," her voice was soft and slightly strained, grabbing his full attention, "thank you."

Elliot watched his partner drop heavily into her chair.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just a fatherly lecture about getting too close to a case."

"He has a point, Liv. These last few cases seem to have really gotten under your skin, Megan especially."

"I know!" She sighed wearily, "I know, El. I'm good with this. It's just another case, nothing more." She could feel her throat tightening, and rather than risk letting anyone in the bullpen know that she may be quite as okay with this as she said Olivia gathered an armload of files that she had been working with and headed off to the file room.

"So here's a good question," a familiar voice hissed in her head, "why is it hurting you so bad then?"

"Because I need this to be a happy ending."

"Why?" the voice persisted.

"Because there is so much darkness, there are too many people who have had their world completely shattered by this violence and depravity. Someone deserves a happy ending. Megan deserves a happy ending! She's worth a happy ending."

"So what then? You think if she's worth a happy ending since she's like you, you might be worth a happy ending?" the voice was her mother's, "I have news for you, it's way too late for your happy ending." Olivia's whole body was shaking, she felt as though she was on the verge of a full emotional collapse when her cell phone rang. She quickly tried to compose herself, "Benson."

"Hey Liv, are you fully back to work?" the voice on the other end of the phone was bright and cheery.

"Casey? Yeah, just got released today, why?" She noticed the hand that held her phone was still shaking.

"Well, I thought that we could go out and have a couple of drinks to celebrate your full recovery."

"I don't know Casey, I thought that I would just…"

"Hold it right there. You can't turn me down Liv. You hung out at the hospital for one whole day, when I was attacked, then came by every day to check on me until they let me go home. You called me all the time. I on the other hand, did not even see you at the hospital and I've only called you one other time, so please."

"Casey, I was only in the hospital overnight and you have been busy this week, I understand."

"Come on Olivia, don't make me beg. Please, please, please. Besides you sounded a little down when you answered the phone. Girl talk, it always makes me feel better. Please."

"All right, I'll go, and I am not down."

"Great, I'm going to be done shortly. I brought clothes to change into. I'll meet you at the precinct and then we can go to your place and change."

"My place? Can't you change here?"

"Yes, but you can't."

"You don't even know what I'm wearing."

"I have a pretty good idea. You're wearing one of your 'Olivia the cop' outfits."

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's fine for your job when you need to keep some perp from slobbering all over you or so you can just be one of the guys. I thought we might go to a place that has dancing along with drinks. You know, meet guys other than your fellow detectives."

"One of the guys? I wasn't feeling down until a minute ago."

"Oh come on Olivia, you know what I mean. So what da ya say?" She could feel Casey's enthusiasm bursting through the phone.

"All right. Meet me here, I'll go home and change, we'll go out." Olivia was laughing by the time she hung up the phone.

"Hey Benson, you in there?" Munch's voice reminded her that she still had some work to finish before Casey got there.

"Yeah, what do you need John?"

"Cragen wants to see you."

"Again? What did I do now?"

"I don't know but some uniformed officer and a Captain from another precinct just arrived. Elliot's in there too."

"Detective Benson please come in." Cragen's voice sounded way too commanding for her comfort. Elliot was the first one she saw sitting at the far side of the Captain's desk. He was attempting to bore holes through a broad shouldered man with close-cropped hair sitting next to the door. The man had his arms folded defensively over his chest and was glaring at the floor. She knew she should know this guy.

"Detective Benson, I am Captain Lyle O'Brien of the 17th precinct." The man was a couple of inches shorter than her captain, about the same age, rounder in the middle and about the same amount of hair. "I believe that you already know Officer Frank McCabe."

She finally remembered, "You were the lead officer at the Gilbert's house."

McCabe nodded but said nothing.

"Officer," O'Brien barked, "I believe that you have something to say to the Detective."

Finally the man stood and faced Olivia, "I apologize for my actions at the scene. I shouldn't have interfered in a situation you clearly had under control. I am sorry that my actions resulted in your injury."

"Thank you, apology accepted." The two shared a terse handshake then separated.

"I also apologize to you Detective Stabler for anything I may have done."

Elliot nodded but did not move to shake his hand.

"McCabe, you're dismissed for now, we will see you later," O'Brien turned back to Olivia, "I also offer my apologies for the actions of the people under my command."

"Your apologies aren't necessary, Sir. Officer McCabe was just a little…"

"First of all, I'm not good with formalities. I've known Donnie here since shortly after the academy, so call me Lyle. Second I know Frank is just a little something when it comes to women. No need to try and make it nice."

"I would just like to say that the rest of your officers at the scene were very helpful," offered Elliot.

"My memories of the day are a little fuzzy but I do remember a young officer by the name of Dean Matthews was very helpful." The only reason she still remembered his name was because of the card in the flowers he brought to the hospital.

"Yes, he was a great help through the whole thing."

"Oh, Officer Matthews, yes, he speaks very highly of you also," Captain O'Brien smiled in Olivia's direction, "so, Donnie how much longer you guys got here? O'Malley's is waiting, Frank McCabe is buying the first round for your squad and you and I can sit there and watch these younger kids drink and remember why we don't anymore."

"Sounds like a night to remember. I think everything is just about wrapped up here Lyle. We'll meet you there." With that O'Brien took his leave.

"O'Malley's tonight, Cap?" Elliot grinned, "Done for the day? First round on McCabe?"

"Elliot you sound like a parrot, go tell the others," ordered Cragen.

Olivia was now very happy that Casey had called. "Um, Captain, I'm sorry, I've already made plans with Casey tonight."

"I'm sure she won't mind if you stop in for a few minutes. Good PR Liv, he didn't have to bring McCabe in for a personal apology."

"I know Cap. Ordinarily I know Casey wouldn't have a problem with it, but she's kinda counting on a little girl talk time. I think she may need to talk about something. I'll see what I can do." She hated lying to him but she couldn't imagine spending any more time with that arrogant jackass.

Don could see through her façade. She was just a little too happy about her other plans. After he sent back to her desk, he called Casey Novak himself, "Hey Counselor, sorry to hear that you won't be joining us tonight?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I thought that you and Olivia were going to meet tonight."

"Yeah, I'm taking her out for a couple of drinks. You know, celebrate that she is fully back to work."

"Oh really? Well then could I impose upon you to make a slight change in your plans tonight?" Cragen explained about O'Malley's and suggested to Casey that she need not mention the little change to Olivia.

About a half an hour later he left his office, "All right children let's get the hell out of here." He laughed to himself as he watched Olivia hustle Casey out of the building before he could talk to her.

"It's going to be an interesting evening," Elliot felt a heavy sense of foreboding.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Nice apartment Liv," said Casey. Since she rarely ever got to see anything but Olivia's cop side, she was surprised at the Martha Stewart-esque décor of the apartment. There was a light colored over-stuffed couch that had matching throw pillows. The walls had paintings and artist photography. The coffee table was simple but elegant lightwood, with a candle and etched crystal holder in the center. The dining room table had woven placements with matching napkins and napkin rings. Another thing that surprised the ADA was that the place was very neat considering Olivia's hectic life and long hours; yet something was not quite right. It was like standing in one of the rooms on the cover of 'Good Housekeeping', neat and well decorated, but…impersonal. That was it. No personal photographs, nothing that said Olivia.

"Thanks. It's a place to sleep in between long cases." Olivia reached over and straightened out a placemat that was slightly askew. "You can change in my room; I'll get ready in the bathroom. I want to take a quick shower." Olivia grabbed a matching pair of bra and panties and headed off to the shower.

Casey found that Olivia's bedroom was much the same as the rest of the apartment. The comforter coordinated with the sheets, shams and bed skirt. The laundry hamper and trash can match the color of the room, but again there was nothing personal except an old pink panther stuffed animal encased in a glass box. "Not what you'd expect to find in the bedroom of the tough, ass kicking Detective Benson," she thought.

Deciding to touch up her make-up first, Casey went over to an immaculately clean and organized vanity. The make-up brushes were in a plastic organizer that kept them upright. There was no residue of eye shadow or blush powder on the table even though Olivia had been wearing make-up that day. Again, it looked like a store display.

A deep sense of unease washed over her and she walked over to the dresser. After listening to make sure the shower was still running, she slid the top-drawer open. All the panties were neatly stacked. The bras were next to them stacked in the same color order. Dress socks were separate from athletic socks. T-shirts were organized, plain on one side one's with words next, and then prints. She next went to the closet. There were jeans then slacks by color, then shirts, jackets, dresses by color and length, tennis shoes, flats, heels then boots. Casey had always thought of herself as organized but this was something else.

Casey thought back to the night when she had sat in the bar during the Eldridge case and listened to Olivia tell her about her drunken mother trying to attack her with a broken liquor bottle… when Olivia had told her that she knew what it was like to want to kill your mother. Casey knew then, that the haunted look in Olivia's eyes was not just from the victims' that she saw daily but that there were many more painful stories in the Detective's life. Although it was just speculation, it was only natural to conclude that the effects of Olivia's upbringing had a hand in this obsessive structure of her home.

Casey heard the shower turn off and quickly closed everything back up and went back to getting ready. Shortly afterwards she heard the hairdryer turn on.

When Olivia came back into her bedroom she found Casey sitting on the edge of her bed using a small compact mirror to do her make-up. "Case, why aren't you using the vanity?"

Casey looked up at the other woman her mind racing with images of the horrors of abuse that she had heard about since prosecuting for the SVU. She wondered how many of them Olivia had suffered.

The look on Casey's face reminded Olivia of the time she had stormed into Casey's office ready to bite her head off because she had tried to push a little girl into identifying her rapist. The pained look directed at her made her feel very uncomfortable. "What's wrong?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry; I was just lost in my own little world for a minute. What did you say?" She plastered on a smile hoping to forestall any further questioning.

Olivia was dubious about Casey's explanation, but was fairly sure she didn't want to pursue things any further. "You're wearing a dress? It's cold and it's winter." Casey had on an emerald green dress that went down about mid-thigh with thin straps and a vee neck.

"Well yeah, didn't I say we were going to do a little dancing too? No offense, but I don't want to dance with you all night. So what are you wearing?"

"I was going to wear a pair of jeans…."

"Oh no, I told you, we are getting you away from 'Olivia the cop' attire. Now if I may take a look in your closet I'm sure that we can find something appropriate."

"I don't know Casey."

"Please, I haven't done this since high school."

"Done what since high school?"

"Helped my friends to pick out clothes when we were going out. Didn't you do it too?"

Rather than trying to explain that she really didn't have any friends, period, she gave in, "All right, have at it." She sat down and began to apply her make-up.

Casey immediately opened the side of the closet where the dresses hung. Realizing her mistake she glanced back at Olivia to see if she had noticed. Satisfied that she was safe she began sifting through the clothes. She pulled out a short purple dress with a deep-scooped back and criss-crossed straps. "How about this one?"

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?" she asked, a little hurt. "I've seen you in shorter stuff than this."

"Funny. That was undercover. I still have a pretty significant bruise on my back. I don't think it would go well."

"A bruise on your back? I thought you had a concussion."

"I did. I got knocked off a step stool onto a cement floor. I hit my head, got seven stitches, a concussion and a large bruise on my back."

"Stitches? Where?" She was going to kill Elliot; all he had said was that Olivia was suffering from a concussion.

"In my head, where do you think?"

"Can I see the bruise?" she asked, figuring that Olivia was just trying to be difficult.

"Yeah, I guess." Olivia slid her robe off her shoulders and let it fall to her waist.

"Oh my God. How can you wear a bra? I could barely wear clothes." The edges of the bruise were green with some purple, but the majority was still dark purple to black, "why are you even back at work?"

"Who are you, Cragen? You had the crap kicked out of you and you weren't gone for very long. Go pick out something else."

"My job isn't as physical as yours," she retorted as she thumbed through the closet. "Hey Liv, here's one that still has the tags on it." Casey took it off the hanger and laid it across the bed.

"Uh, I still have that? I thought I took that back to the store."

"Well you obviously didn't. So I guess that's what you are wearing. Hurry up, time's a wasting."

Olivia opened her mouth to protest but couldn't think of a legitimate reason not to wear the outfit. A few minutes later she was dressed in a long straight skirt that sat low on her hips with a high slit up one side and a matching top with ¾ length sleeves that sat wide on her shoulders and only had two gold buckles at breast level to close it.

"Wow, you look great in that." Casey said proudly. "Now I've already called a cab, so get your shoes on so we can go get something to drink."

When Olivia sat down to put her shoes on she saw just how high the slit of this skirt was. She decided to change when Casey called from the living room, "taxi's here, come on Liv."

"Well at least I don't have to see anybody else I know," she sighed grabbing a long leather coat from the closet.

When the cab driver saw the women exit the building he jumped out of the car to open the door for them. "And where can I take you lovely ladies tonight?"

Casey waited until Olivia was sat down inside the cab before quietly giving the driver instructions to take them to O'Malley's. She didn't know why she had agreed to this deception except that Cragen had caught her off guard. One thing she did know was that there was going to be hell to pay and she began to ramble nervously.

Casey had been babbling on for about fifteen minutes when Olivia finally looked around, "Casey where are we going?"

"Uh, I told you we're going out dancing."

"Yes, I know that, but where are we going?"

"Well, um, we just have to make one stop first, and then I thought maybe we'd go to…"

"Where are we stopping and why."

"It's really your fault you know!"

"What is my fault?"

"Cragen called me."

"Casey Novak you tell me exactly what is going on here." Olivia was almost yelling.

"Cragen called and said he was sorry that I wasn't feeling well. You know if you use me to get out of things, you really should let me know so we're on the same page. I said we were just going out to have a little fun. He told me about O'Malley's and said it was very important that you show up for a few minutes."

"Oh my God," Olivia moaned, "You have no idea what you've done. Frank McCabe has got to be the biggest chauvinist that I have ever met. He's the reason that I got knocked off the stepladder. Now I am going to show up dressed like this."

"Liv, I didn't know. Cragen just said that it was important."

"I know and I'm sorry. I should have let you know."

"Here you are ladies," said the cab driver oblivious to the conflict going on, "if you two need anything, _anything_ at all to help your evening along, Sal is your man."

Knowing exactly what he was hinting at, Olivia smiled darkly at him "Well thank you Sal. Just so you know who is asking for you, this is Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak and I'm NYPD Detective, Olivia Benson." Without another word or collecting his fare the cab driver got in his cab and left.

Elliot was the first to see the two women enter. He stood up and waved them to the back half of the bar. Munch, Fin, Cragen, Lyle O'Brien and Dean Mathews sat at one long buddy bar. Frank McCabe and some other unknown people sat nearby. "Nice of you guys to show up," Cragen said accusingly, "ADA Casey Novak this is Lyle O'Brien Captain of the 1-7."

"Nice to meet you Miss Novak."

"Call me Casey please." She slid of her coat and handed it to Munch. Fin started to get a stool for them but Mathews had already gotten another stool and set it next to him.

"Nice outfit counselor, although a little dressy for this crowd, don't you think?" Munch grinned as he held out his hand to receive Olivia's coat, "you gonna leave your coat on all night?" She only glared.

"Yes Olivia why don't you take off you coat and stay a while," Cragen warned.

"Come on Olivia, make nice with the others for a while then we can get out of here," whispered Casey.

Reluctantly Olivia took off her coat and handed it to John.

Elliot had been jockeying chairs when he heard glass breaking and the conversation stop at the table. He turned around to see Mathews with his hand in mid air. It looked like he was holding a bottle of beer but his hand was empty.

Mathews couldn't help himself as his eyes trailed from Olivia's face with her light hair partially covering one eye and smokey make-up to the low cut top, which revealed the top swell of her breasts and past the gold buckles to the triangle of skin exposed down her abdomen to the top of the skirt.

"Wow! I think this one tops the hooker get up," John quipped.

"I think you and Casey now have the full attention of almost every man in this bar," added Fin.

"And some of the women," Elliot laughed.

"I knew I should have brought my gun. And you Ms. Novak…"

"O…O…Olivia, I've got a chair here for you," Mathews finally managed.

Olivia looked down at the floor around the young man. It was covered with broken amber glass and beer.

"Oh, I'm sorry; I'll get that cleaned up." Dean's ears were bright pink.

"Hey don't worry about it kid. I got it." A heavyset man in his late fifties came over with a broom, dustpan and a mop. After he had gotten the mess cleaned up he leaned over to Mathews, "I damn near dropped a full bottle of crown royal when I saw her."

This only made Dean blush harder, "Here you go Olivia." He placed his jacket over the stool just in case any beer had gotten on it."

"My name is Harry, what can I get for you two lovely ladies?"

"I think I'll have a margarita. Liv? I'll buy," Casey offered, hoping to sooth her friend's prickly disposition.

"I'll have the same." Olivia finally sat down, crossing her legs.

"So do you think you can handle another beer there young fella, or do I need to get you a high chair?" Joked the bar tender but he got no reaction.

Dean was now staring at the long expanse of leg revealed by the slit in Olivia's skirt. This got the attention of the others at the table.

"Romeo, what's got your attention now?" asked Harry.

"Yeah, what other surprises could that outfit hold?" wondered Munch. He got up and headed around the table followed by Fin and Elliot. Casey just stared down at table.

Conceding defeat Olivia simply swiveled around in the stool so that they could see.

"You know I'm an old man, I'm not so sure my heart can take this, but let me tell you it's times like these that I love my job. So how 'bout it fella, you want another beer?"

"Dean!" Lyle O'Brien shouted.

"Uh, yeah, sorry, beer, good." Harry waddled off laughing to himself.

"Munch, I'm waiting. I know you have some comment." Olivia crossed her arms in front of her. John just shook his head and went and sat back down.

"Hey Olivia, your next drink is on me, I have never seen Munch speechless." Fin cackled. "Seriously!"

Don and Lyle now had to go see what was going on. Of course, being Captains they tried to be subtle.

"Liv, you weren't planning on coming here, were you?" asked Elliot.

"No El, I assumed Casey and I had other plans," Olivia said, pointedly offering a glare in the ADA's direction.

"Casey, I wouldn't be you right now for anything." Elliot patted her sympathetically on the shoulder.

"Casey's a little pissed at you Elliot so I wouldn't antagonize her," cautioned his partner.

"She is?"

"I am?" echoed Casey, "Oh yeah, I am. How come I got the abridged version of what happened to Olivia? I though we were all a team. Am I not good enough to warrant the time?" Casey was now thoroughly invested in bawling Elliot out with Munch and Fin happily looking on. Even Mathews was watching Elliot try to explain his way out of Casey's wrath.

Olivia sat smugly as her partner squirmed figuring she had gotten all attention off of her and her outfit. That is until she noticed her captain and his friend staring.

Don Cragen had always thought of the Detectives in SVU like children, even Munch. Okay, maybe especially Munch, but tonight he could not deny that he was still a red-blooded male and Olivia looked jaw dropping in that outfit.

That was it. She could deal with the "guys" or these other people she didn't know giving her a hard time, but to see her Captain staring at her like he'd never seen her before was too weird. She nervously turned herself away from his gaze.

"Ladies this round is on the owner." Harry pointed to a man about 50 years old with dark hair and graying temples sitting at the end of the bar, "says that he wouldn't need to remodel if you two would come in more often."

Casey laughed her green eyes sparkling in the dim light of the bar, "Tell him we said thank you."

"Actually he made these himself so he was wondering if you would let him know if you like them."

"Yeah Olivia, maybe you could get our whole night paid for if you flashed him a little skin," smirked Munch, "oh yeah, there isn't much skin left to flash."

"What is the big deal? You guys act like you've never seen me in a dress. Casey's dressed up too and you're not acting like jerks."

"Thanks for the ego boost, Liv."

"Oh Jesus Casey, you know what I mean."

"Ease up Liv," Fin held his hands up defensively, "we're just playing. We have seen you in dresses before but this one really reminds us that you're not just one of the guys."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Come on, Casey doesn't go chasing down dangerous rapists with us every day. If we didn't think of you as one of the guys, we'd be fussing over you all the time, saying shit like, you better wait in the car or that we'll interrogate the suspect."

Olivia contemplated this for a moment before picking up her drink by the green cactus shaped stem and took a large swallow. She felt the liquor hit her stomach and send its burning warmth coursing through her body, "Come on Case, let's go thank Mr. O'Malley for our drinks.

"I haven't seen you in a dress before," Dean's voice cracked, but he was regaining composure. Olivia just looked back over her shoulder and smiled.

"The dead hath arisen," laughed O'Brien.

"Man, you are good Fin," Elliot raised a toast to him.

"We might have been all right if Munch hadn't decided to try his stand up routine again," said Fin as he flipped Munch's hat off his head.

"What? I was just trying to lighten the mood."

"That's always your excuse, you never know when to give it a rest," Elliot argued.

"He did too know when to stop. At lease joking about it was better than standing around with your mouths hanging open," he pouted to himself.

"McCabe!" O'Brien hollered. "Why don't you order up a round of something, everybody's here now."

Frank ran into Casey part way to the bar, "Hey," he had noticed her sitting with his Captain and the others.

"Hi." Casey replied.

"I saw you with that table over there, O'Brien's my captain. You one of the guys' dates or something?"

"No, I came here with Olivia Benson, I'm…"

"Figures, you're the man hating dyke's date," he grumbled.

Casey looked over at Olivia still talking with the owner of the bar. Dyke is not a word she'd associate with the detective, "You must be Frank McCabe. No, I'm not Olivia's date. I'm ADA Casey Novak."

"Hmph, just as bad," he snorted.

"Wow Olivia was right, that McCabe is a real charmer."

"Oh, God what did he do now?" O'Brien was already out of his chair ready to drag McCabe back for an apology.

"Oh its no big deal, he just poured on the charm." She gave him a quick rundown of the conversation.

"Sorry about that, Casey. I'm just glad the Benson didn't hear the conversation. I think Mr. McCabe would be on his way to the hospital."

"Where is Olivia?" Cragen craned his neck around.

"Oh, she's still talking to the owner of the bar. He's giving her a step by step on how to make the perfect margarita."

"I think I need another beer." Mathews hopped up and headed for the bar.

"Got it bad huh?" Cragen asked sympathetically.

"I blame you Don." Lyle shook his head sadly.

"Why?"

"Just because it sounds good." The table erupted in laughter.

"Now that I have finished that fascinating tale, how about I tell you about making the perfect blue margaritas?" suggested the owner. His name was Jackson Williams and he had light brown eyes with a neatly trimmed goatee.

"Blue? Do I want to know?" Olivia didn't fail to notice how he had moved his stool closer to hers and how he leaned in to talk to her rather than talk louder.

"It's Tarantula Tequila, its citrus based and its blue."

"Does it have a hairy spider at the bottom of it?"

"No. No hairy spiders. Harry, a shot of Tarantula for the lady

Olivia eyed the blue liquid suspiciously, "I promise there is no spider at the bottom of the bottle. If there are any little hairs in there they are Harry's."

"Oh that's really appetizing," she laughed before picking up the shot and downing it.

"Impressive, no salt, no lime. How was it?"

Olivia shivered slightly, "Strong, but not bad."

"See I told you," he grinned. "You're sitting with Lyle O'Brien. I know he's a cop, are you?"

"Yes, a detective."

"Yeah really? There are a lot of cops that come in here. What division are you in? Vice? Robbery-Homicide?"

Figuring that Jackson was used to cops she didn't hesitate, "Special Victims Unit."

"Special Victims? You mean Sex Crimes?" Olivia could already see him pull back. The look was all too familiar.

"Yeah, Sex Crimes." She finished the last swallow of her margarita and stood up, "well thank you for the drink and the shot but I better get back to my friends."

"Uh yeah. Nice meeting you."

Dean Mathews had been close enough to see the change in Jackson and then in Olivia. He felt it would be inappropriate to try and say anything at the moment, so he just stepped off into a shadow when she got up to leave. He watched her head off down a small hall to the restrooms before he approached the bar to order.

"There is just something creepy about a woman working around rapists and other perverts all day," he overheard Jackson say to Harry.

"Hey how about another beer and…" he glowered at Jackson, "a margarita."

"You see Olivia it doesn't matter what you do, you still have to be punished for who you are. It will never change," her mind taunted. "You did a good thing for that little girl, who will never even think of you again, and still no one will have you. You are tainted. It is your very definition. Your job only makes it easier for others to see you for what you are - the daughter of a rapist. Your mother was right to do the things she did to you. Too bad she didn't kill you when she first found out about you. Or any of the other times either."

Olivia felt her headache returning with full force; it was time to go home. Besides she had been cold all week and was freezing in this dress. She would just tell them she was still was not feeling well. When she got back to the table, Frank McCabe was just setting down a tray full of tequila shots.

"Benson," McCabe handed her one of the shots. "To all our brothers in blue."

O'Brien smacked him hard on the back, "And our sisters too." His eyes never left Olivia's as he downed the shot. "So Benson you up for a friendly game of pool?"

She wanted to go home but she knew McCabe wanted her to leave too and she was not going to give him the satisfaction, "Sure sounds great. Losers buys the winners drinks?"

"Sure. You play partners?"

"Doesn't matter. Casey, you shoot any pool?"

"Why yes I do." She and her brothers had grown up with a pool table in the house and Casey was the champ, she wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to show up this jackass.

"Delaney you want to shoot some pool?" A man roughly the same build and haircut as McCabe grunted in the affirmative.

Dean put his hand on Olivia's shoulder, "Hey, I got you another drink." Olivia jumped only slightly but it was enough for Elliot to notice.

"Thank you Dean." Feeling the effects of the alcohol already she decided she didn't care what anyone (especially Frank McCabe) thought, so she placed a quick kiss on the side of his cheek. Cragen was sure that the boy's feet lifted off the ground.

"Man Donny, I don't know how you manage this crew. In your last precinct your core detectives were male and your ADAs were male. Now look, you get one of the toughest gigs around. Most people wouldn't touch SVU with a ten-foot pole, but you get one of the best looking ADAs in the system and one of your top detectives is as tough as she is gorgeous. You ever have trouble remembering your um…professional status?"

John who had been eavesdropping on the conversation decided to add his two cents, "I know I would have when she leaned into my car in that hooker outfit. Me, I was stuck in the van."

"I know she did that on purpose," Cragen blushed slightly.

"Somebody mentioned something about that hooker outfit earlier. What was that all about? You guys don't do vice," O'Brien asked.

"We had what looked like a serial killer after gay men so we staked out a party. To 'blend' in a little better, we put John in the van and I sat in a car like I was trying to pick up a pro. Earpieces connected John and me. Fin was a pimp and Olivia was the pro. When she spotted something suspicious she walked over to the car and leaned in and asked if I was lonely before pointing out her suspicions."

"You forgot the best part," Munch interrupted. "This dress was so short that even standing up it barely covered everything. It was lower cut than the one she has on now and she had high-heeled boots that came up to her knees. What I wouldn't have given to be in the car instead of the van."

Lyle glanced over at the pool table where Olivia was getting ready to break, "Get any pictures?"

Cragen broke out laughing. "We did that once. It nearly cost Elliot his life."

"What?" The mention of his name grabbed Stabler's attention.

"We were just talking about the time you took that picture of Benson in her dress," Munch explained.

"Thank God she was partnered with Fin that day or I think I might have 'accidentally' gotten shot that day."

O'Brien clapped Cragen on the back, "You got yourself a pretty good team Don."

"Yours isn't too bad either Lyle."

"Yeah except for my problem child. Frank's a decent cop and he's even learned to work with minorities and alternate lifestyles but strong women just set him off."

"Well that definitely describes Olivia."

"That's game. Guess the first round is on you McCabe," Dean mocked.

"What'll be Liv?" Casey asked.

"Shots? Tequila? Best not to mix the alcohol too much."

"Works for me. Hey and how about a beer for our cheering section," she patted Dean on the shoulder. Frank swore under his breath as he left to get the orders.

"That was a quick game. Did they even get a shot?" Fin observed several-stripped balls still left on the table.

"I think Officer Kyle Layton was a tad distracted or maybe intimidated by these two," Dean explained.

"He is usually pretty good. I don't know of too many people who haven't had their ass kicked by him more that once."

"Okay you're fired as our cheering section," Olivia shook her finger at him.

"What did I do?" He asked genuinely concerned.

"You basically just said that we don't have good enough skills as pool players to win."

"Liv, I don't know about Casey but I've played pool with you, you do okay…"

She interrupted Fin with a wave of her hand, "That was just for fun."

"And this isn't?"

She watched McCabe returning with their 'reward', "Not this time."

"Here are your shots ladies." McCabe handed Olivia and Casey each a double shot glass of liquor, two lime wedges and a saltshaker. They refused the limes and salt, toasted each other and downed the shots.

Shortly into the third game Elliot noticed that quite a few men in the bar had become engrossed in the game. He was pretty sure that it had little to do with the competition and more to do with the two woman and their outfits. Casey with her short dress as she leaned over to take a shot or Olivia's slender hip slung up on the table to get a better angle causing the slit of the skirt to ride a little higher.

"Son of a bitch!" Exclaimed McCabe as Olivia sunk the eight, ending the fourth round of play.

"That's three games to one, I haven't seen Layton loose that many since he transferred to the 1-7." Dean was now sitting with Lyle and Don.

"I don't think I've seen McCabe that mad since he had to work for Anita Van Buren for a week," Laughed O'Brien.

Munch shook his head, "I don't know how she is still standing." Casey had dropped out in the seventh round after downing her fifth double shot of tequila, but Olivia had just won a tenth round.

She swayed noticeably as she downed the drink, "Okay, I'm done."

"One more game," insisted McCabe.

"I said I'm done." She had started back towards the table when he grabbed her by the arm. Cragen wasn't sure who was moving faster, Elliot, Fin or Mathews. He was wrong on all counts; even drunk, Olivia had him face down on the pool table with his hand pinned behind his back. "I don't know exactly what the problem is here, but we played ten games with you, won eight. I think I gave you plenty of opportunity to even things up. And don't think I didn't know what you were doing when you bought double shots for us, and single, if you even drank one, for yourself. So if you don't mind I'd like to go visit for a while."

McCabe could hear the laughter all around him. "You don't think it gave you an unfair advantage dressing like that. I've seen hookers with more coverage."

"Not that it is any of your business how I dress, but Casey and I had other plans tonight when my boss asked that I stop by here and make nice with you for a few minutes beforehand. Now if you can't keep your mind out of your pants long enough to play a game of pool, that's not my fault."

"You bitch!"

"McCabe, I think it's time you went home." O'Brien's voice boomed over the crowd. Frank started to say something. "Now! You brought this all on yourself." Begrudgingly Frank got his coat and left. Kyle Layton and a couple of others that had been sitting at the same table followed shortly after.

"I'm sorry about that Olivia," after watching her teeter a little bit Dean offered her his arm to escort her to the table.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"But I do," slurred Casey, "I really have to go home." Everyone said their goodbyes to the ADA and Benson along with Mathews waited outside with her until her cab came.

"Hey Liv, you want some coffee?" Elliot started to get up.

"No thanks El, what I'd really like is another margarita." Olivia could read the look in his eyes. _"Don't you think you've had enough?"_ She was also pretty sure that he could read the look in hers, _"If I thought I had had enough, I wouldn't have asked for another."_

"No problem…Liv." Dean said trying out the nickname her coworkers had been using all night. "I was just going to get another beer."

The evening continued in casual conversations and reminiscences of the 'good old days' of drinking, by the two captains. While Elliot watched nervously as Olivia continued to drink.

As evening came to night the only ones that remained from the two combined precincts were Munch, Fin, Elliot, Olivia and Dean. Munch had been prattling on about one of his many conspiracies for about twenty minutes when Olivia interrupted him, "Hey Munch, do you have a couple of ones on you?"

Confused he pulled out his wallet and held out two one-dollar bills to her. "Why do you need them?"

"Because I am way too drunk to listen to any more conspiracy theories, they're starting to sound believable. So I am going to play some music to hopefully drown you out." She snatched the money and walked away.

"That is one cruel woman," Munch said feigning hurt.

After several minutes of scanning the selections, Olivia finally chose some music. She was going back to the group when she found herself suddenly being grabbed around the waist and pulled down a small hall.

She spun around, "Oh my God Dean! What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you, I just wanted to talk to you," he was still holding her around the waist.

"About what?"

"What are you doing when you leave here?"

"More than likely going home. Why?"

Instead of answering he wrapped his hand in her hair and pulled her in for a kiss. In her drunken state she offered no resistance.

Elliot was just exiting the bathroom when he saw his partner and Mathews in a passionate kiss. He quickly darted back inside as he tried to decide if he should interfere and risk really pissing Olivia off, or let it go knowing she was not thinking clearly.

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Olivia finally pulled away, "how old are you?" Elliot sighed in relief.

Dean grinned, "Old enough to get in the bar."

"That does not answer my question." She looked up at him, desire clearly evident in eyes.

"Almost 24."

"I'm old enough to be your mother you know

He traced his finger along her cheek, "That's cliché. Besides my mother doesn't look like this. She never looked like this." He nuzzled her neck before slowly kissing his way along her jaw line.

Her arms involuntarily wrapped themselves around his neck. Here it was, her weakness, drunk and being lavished with attention by someone who knows what she does and doesn't care. Someone who knew nothing about her past and who she was.

"If I follow you home, will you keep me?" He whispered into her ear before recapturing her mouth in another kiss quickly deepening it.

Elliot peeked out the bathroom door just in time to see Dean and Olivia up against a wall.

Olivia slowly began to wake up. She was very surprised to find that for the first time in a week she was warm and comfortable. As her mind began to slowly wake up, she realized why she was warm. There was a naked chest pressed against her naked back. There was also a bare leg draped over her bare legs and an arm snaked tightly around her waist. "Olivia Benson what have you done?" She mentally scolded herself. First thing she needed to do was extract herself from this mans grip and go think. Slowly and carefully she lifted the arm from around her waist but ran into something unexpected; a familiar tattoo on the arm of her sleeping companion. "Elliot?" she gasped.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Elliot reluctantly drifted towards consciousness. Due to many late nights at work, it had been forever since he had been able to just lay in bed wrapped up with Kathy.

"Wrapped up with Kathy?" His mind questioned. There were a few minor problems with this current train of thought. First being that after 20 years of marriage he knew the shape of Kathy's body and this wasn't quite right. The second was that Kathy ran like a furnace. He or actually _they_ could only be this close for a short time before they separated for cooler spots on the bed. Separated. That brings up point three and the most important. He and Kathy were separated and she had filed for divorce.

"So the question is… whose body are you currently wrapped around?" He felt the body start to move, "do I really want to know who this is, 'cause I know where I was last night." His worst fear was confirmed when he heard Olivia gasp out his name. Elliot rolled away from her so fast that he ended up in a heap on the floor. He noticed a slight look of confusion come across Olivia's face. She then looked under the covers at herself. The look of confusion deepened. Elliot looked down and realized he was still wearing his boxers. Now it was his turn to be confused. He picked himself up off the floor and tentatively sat back on the bed. Olivia was now sitting up clutching the blankets to her chest but he could see that she still had panties on.

"El, what the hell happened last night?"

"Don't ask me. I left you passed out on the couch. I figured you wouldn't mind if I slept it off here so I borrowed your bed."

Olivia vigorously rubbed her temples trying to remember how they might have ended up like this. When she looked over at the floor she noticed her clothes from the night before scattered haphazardly on the floor. Her first instinct, born from the years with her mother, was to dive off the bed and get them picked up. She was able to quash the urge deciding that it would only add to the awkward situation. Once that was settled, she remembered waking up on the couch…

"What's so funny?" Elliot asked. He was now feeling really confused now that she was not only laughing, but blushing too.

"Um, I remember how I ended up here." She drew the blankets tighter around her.

"It sounds like a good story. Mind filling me in?"

Her blush deepened before she began. "I remember waking up on the couch. I was just glad I was home alone, or so I thought. I got a bottle of water out of the fridge and went to get changed for bed. Um…only I was apparently still very drunk, because I remember having a great deal of difficulty getting my clothes off so I could get my pajamas on. I think I even got lost in my shirt for a couple of minutes. I thought the skirt would have been smooth sailing… but I fell. Twice."

"Twice?" Laughed Elliot.

"Yeah well it had my feet hostage by then. You must have been pretty drunk too 'cause one of those times was part way on the bed."

"Well…yeah…maybe," Elliot grudgingly agreed, humbling a little.

"Well things just went from very bad to oh my God," explained Olivia as she recalled her mishaps of the night before. "After I pulled myself up off the floor, I spent the next several minutes trying to find the buckle of my bra only to discover that I had left it in the front. After all of that I just thought screw it. I could be hung by my pajamas, so I just got into bed as is."

"You otta do stand up Liv." Elliot said, wiping his eyes.

"Did you leave your car at the bar?"

"No, why?"

"How did we get here if we were both that drunk?"

"Oh, you don't remember?" He asked trying not to sound relieved.

"Other than that little tid bit I just shared with you, which, by the way, I will shoot you if you tell Munch and Fin, I only remember a small amount from last night."

"I wasn't drunk when we left the bar. Not until we got here."

"I drank more when I got here?"

"Just a little, you were on a mission last night."

"Um…was I difficult…to get to leave…um…alone."

"Alone, what do you mean, you had me."

"Um…I seem to remember…uh…a kiss?"

"Yeah, I kinda walked out of the bathroom into that."

"Oh God, I was hoping that I was wrong," moaned Olivia thinking she had repeated the mistake that she had made with Cassidy.

He could see she was beating herself up over it and decided to put her out of her misery. "Not to worry partner, I had your back. Literally." He gestured to the bed. They both started laughing. "You didn't need me though."

"What?"

"You stopped him."

"I did?"

"Broke his heart Liv."

_Previous night at O'Malley's_

Elliot found himself once again interloping in Olivia's private life. The question on the table now was… how far should he go now? Did he make it a point to go out there and interrupt them and get Olivia out of there, or did he do the non-father type thing and just leave her alone. After all she wasn't one of his daughters and she was an adult. But then again she was drunk which made her vulnerable. He made up his mind to just try and sneak past. He peeked out the door to see Dean pressing Olivia up against the wall. He thought he could get through without being noticed when Olivia pulled away from Dean.

Olivia felt herself getting more and more lost in the situation until Dean pressed her up against the wall. Her back screamed out in pain, clearing her head for a critical moment. "Whoa Dean! Wait."

"What's the matter? I though we had this settled." He pressed back into her, finding her neck with his lips.

She took his face in her hands, "Look, this is great and I am finding it very difficult to say no…"

"Well then don't say it."

"Dean, you know my job and what I see."

"I am not a child Olivia, I am of age. Old enough to get into this bar as a matter of fact."

"I know, but not old enough. Anything that would happen tonight wouldn't be for the right reason."

"You can change that if you want," he said starting to get a little hostile.

Elliot, meanwhile, continued to listen in, to make sure that things didn't get out of hand with Officer Mathews. _"This is getting to be a bad habit Stabler."_

"Yeah I can. But that is not the type of decision I am going to make drunk. I am so drunk tonight that chances are I am not even going to remember most of what has gone on here. Is that what your looking for, because you're about as drunk as I am. Maybe that _is_ what you want. For me not to remember this so that you can just sneak out in the morning. A quick fuck and you're done?"

"No, that's not what I want. I just really like you," He sighed defeated.

"I know, but all I'm looking for right now is an escape from all the bullshit. I don't want you to be just an escape. I like you too, but I can't do this right now."

"I understand. I think it's time for me to go home," he smiled weakly.

Olivia gave him a small kiss on the cheek, "thank you for understanding. Take care."

She watched from the hallway until he left before making her way back to the table. Elliot waited a couple of minutes longer before he followed.

"Hey I thought you fell in or something," Fin smirked when Elliot returned.

"What?" Olivia panicked.

"Don't mind him. Cragen leave already?" Elliot asked, quickly changing the topic.

"Yeah, him and O'Brien left about ten minute ago, and a very sad looking Mathews just a minute ago." Munch offered.

"And now I think it's my turn," Olivia said going for her coat.

"Hey why don't I give you a ride home? I was just thinking about heading out too," Elliot asked as he grabbed his coat and followed her out.

"Sure, save me cab fare."

_Olivia's apartment_

"I told you it was a good idea for me to walk you up to your apartment; you can't even get your key in the lock." Elliot opened the door and walked Olivia into her apartment.

"I'm sure I would have got it eventually," she giggled. "You want a beer El?"

"You really think you should be…"

"Uh, uh, uh. I have had a very long week, and I don't have to be at work tomorrow. You can either join me or you can go home." She pulled two beers out of the refrigerator, opened them and held one out to Elliot. Unfortunately she dropped the bottle before he could take it. "Oh God, I'm sorry, it was an accident." She dove for a dishtowel to wipe it up.

"Here let me help you." As he reached over her head to grab another towel, she flinched. "Hey, it's OK. We're good as long as you have another beer in the fridge," soothed Elliot. They finished getting the mess cleaned up and while Olivia disposed of the wet towels, Elliot helped himself to a beer. "Geez Liv, why do you have a 24 pack in your fridge?"

"You know, I'm not sure, I went shopping last week when I was really tired and ended up with some of the strangest things." She sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV.

"I've done that once or twice. Kathy used to get so pissed cause the kids always took great advantage of those situations," Elliot said as he looked down at the unmarred wood coffee table.

"My mother would have killed me if I had ever pulled anything like that." She got up to get a second beer.

"My dad too. He would have also kicked my ass, literally, if I would have set anything on a table that looked like this," Elliot agreed.

"I won't say a word if you help me take off with my shoes. I seem to be having a coordination problem," she sighed, giving up her struggle with her shoes.

Elliot noticed that there was another bottle of beer in front of him, so he slipped coasters under all the bottles then helped Olivia off with her shoes.

"You've said that your dad never approved of anything you did, but you never said he was abusive."

"Yeah, you know, I guess I just never really admitted it to myself." Elliot didn't particularly want to talk about it, but he would if it got her talking. He was also pretty sure she was drunk enough that she wouldn't remember that he had manipulated it out of her. "He wasn't too bad. He smacked me upside the head once for dropping a bottle of beer that he had asked me to get for him. His big thing was crying. It would set him off."

"That's hard. You have a parent that tells you it's wrong to cry, and then you've got society telling you that crying is a sign of weakness, if you're male."

Elliot could see a distant look come into Olivia's eyes and knew that she was remembering something. He realized that this was his chance to get her to finally open up and talk about her past so decided to keep pushing. "You're mom have a problem with you crying?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I think it made her feel good to hear it. To think she was hurting me as much as she was hurt." Olivia once again got up to get another beer, but she was having difficulty walking. "You need to catch up you wuss," she said to Elliot. His second beer was hardly touched.

"Yes Ma'am. But I want the remote." He chugged down his beer in a few swallows.

"Well done, I guess the remote is yours." There was a distinctive slur in her voice, "no porno though."

Elliot was feeling the buzz of drinking down the last beer so quickly, "oh so I had to put on a little show to get the remote but now you're put restrictions on me?"

"Just find something to watch Stabler," she said stifling a giggle.

"You ever dodge an incoming hit? I did a couple of times. I thought my dad was going to blow a gasket. Not only did I still get smacked but I got grounded on top of it," Elliot said, hoping he could persuade Olivia into talking about her childhood again.

"I only did that once. I was about 12 or 13. I made the mistake of doing it in front of one of her 'guests'." She made quotation marks in the air. "If there was one absolute about Serena, it was that you didn't cross her in front of anybody. They were both so drunk. I don't even remember his name. She probably didn't even know it either. She was so pissed at me because I tried to sneak into the kitchen to get something to eat. I wasn't allowed out of my bedroom while she had company. But he had been there since the night before and I hadn't eaten all day. She yelled at me and swung and I dodged. Next thing I know is that I am getting hit from another side. The guy started screaming about disrespect and that I needed to be taught a lesson. He spun around and my mom backhanded me across the face. She wore a pear cut ring on her hand that caught me in the corner of my eye. Ripped it open. Then the guy hit me again. I was pinned between the two of them. The next thing I knew was I woke up in the hospital. There was a cop waiting to talk to me. I remember him asking if I remembered anything about the mugging. I told him I couldn't remember anything. He said he wasn't surprised since I had a skull fracture, three broken ribs, four stitches near my eye and several bruises. My mom had told them that she had opened the door to find me in this condition. She said that I had said that I had been attacked by two guys for my purse and back pack."

It was now Elliot's turn to take a long swig of beer. After the third time of going through the guide he surrendered, "There is nothing on, Liv. Got any movies?"

"A few, what do you like to watch?"

He thought for a minute before answering. "Tell you what Liv, I'll get us the next round and raid your cupboards for some snacks and you put in your favorite movie."

"Really?" She arched an eyebrow at him. He nodded back. "Okay. Snacks are in the cupboard to the right of the stove and dips are in the fridge."

Elliot came back juggling a couple of bags of chips, dip and four bottles of beer.

"Two each this time?"

"Less getting up, and now you're the one falling behind." He gestured to the bottle that was still about a third full. She obediently finished off her beer while starting the movie. "Sleepy Hollow? You favorite movie is a cartoon?"

"What? No, it's not a cartoon. You are such a dad. This is the version with Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci. Its 'R' rated for violent content."

It made Elliot smile to hear her refer to him as being a dad. He didn't feel like much of one lately, but it felt good to know that she still thought he was one. "Oh. I thought I was going to have to cut you off in your own house."

"You aren't big enough, Stabler," Olivia assured him.

"Maybe not, but I still have my hand cuffs," teased Elliot

"Just watch the damn movie," Olivia replied laughingly.

They were about a half an hour into the movie when Elliot interrupted, "hey Liv, why don't you have any pictures around?"

"I do. Just open your eyes," said Olivia without turning away from the movie.

"Not those kind of pictures, personal photographs. You don't even have your academy picture. Most cops I know have their academy graduation picture up somewhere."

"I don't like it." Olivia replied said curtly and tried to go back to her movie.

"Why not?" Asked Elliot, undaunted by her abruptness.

"I just don't, okay," snapped Olivia

"Tell me why not," persuaded Elliot.

"Fine. After the ceremony had ended I went to find my mother, but she wasn't where I had last seen her. One of my instructors from the academy came and found me and told me where she was. She had staggered off and passed out. When I sat her up I saw that she had gotten sick down the front of her dress. He helped me carry her out to the car in front of my graduating class."

"Sorry. Where were your grandparents?"

"My mother severed contact with them when she was 17. She was ashamed of them because they were really poor, and from what I understand deeply unhappy about their daughter's drinking habit. Simone researched it for me when I was about 16. They were already dead. No other relatives. Both only children."

"What about pictures of you when you were little?"

"Don't have any really. A few. Mom didn't really want any pictures of me around."

"Why not?"

"Would you want a reminder of the second worst day of your life? She had to live with me - why would she want to photos?"

"Second worst? What was the worst?"

"She said that the rape became the second worst day of her life the day I was born and she found out that I looked just like her attacker."

Elliot couldn't think of anything say that didn't sound cliché or lame so instead he asked, "another round partner?"

"Sounds good." She watched him sway as he stood up. "I think you should stay here tonight. You're in no condition to drive. I'm going to get you a blanket and pillow while you get the beers." Unfortunately, Olivia found her ability to walk had become severely impaired in the last hour and she smacked her shoulder on the doorframe going into her bedroom. "Dammit, that hurt."

Elliot appeared in the doorway. "You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah, I'm fine; it's just that somebody shifted the doorframe as I was going in."

"Shifted the doorframe? You're just…" However his observations were interrupted as he stumbled on the carpeting. He looked at the floor to see if anything was there, when he saw that there was nothing he looked over at Olivia.

She shrugged her shoulders, "vicious air molecules maybe?" She asked innocently.

"Very funny." He helped her pull down a blanket from the top of her closet. She told him to grab a pillow off of her bed where he noticed the pink panther, "you don't strike me as a stuffed animal kind of girl."

"I'm not…really. I don't know why I still have that thing. It was a birthday present when I was five."

"From your mother?" He asked shocked.

"No, from some neighbors."

"The Nelsons'?"

Olivia felt like somebody had just poured ice water on her, "how did you know that?"

"You _talked _about them when you were in the hospital. I gathered your mom was not too fond of them." They had settled back on the couch again.

"Not at all. It pissed her off that they gave me a cup cake and a present for my birthday. Then they called the cops when they found a bruise on my shoulder one day. She shook me then smashed me up against the wall. Another time gap in my life. By the time I was well enough to be up and around again, they had moved out."

"I can see an abuser being pissed off at someone who turns them in, but why was she mad that they gave you a present and a cup cake. Did it interfere with what she was doing?"

"No, Serena didn't do birthdays. Well let me clarify that, she didn't do my birthdays, too much of a reminder. Her birthdays on the other hand, she had demands."

"What kind of demands?"

"Mostly it was to take care of yourself for a few days while mommy goes out, but one year she requested a gift," replied Olivia nonchalantly.

"What did she want?"

"John the Baptists head on a platter." She laughed at her own inside joke.

Elliot was feeling sick to his stomach and he was pretty sure it wasn't the beer but he needed to hear this, "what are you talking about?"

"Well I guess it was my head on a platter. I was eleven. I had been doing odd jobs around the neighborhood to earn some money so I asked mom what she wanted for her birthday. After a few minutes she told me that the best present that I could give her was freedom from her pain." Olivia stared at some unseen point in the distance as a tear, unnoticed, slid down her cheek. "I asked her what she meant and she said that she could give me something to take that would put me to sleep and I wouldn't wake up. She said that if she didn't have to see me every day, she wouldn't remember the hurt anymore. Then she told me that she could truly love me then because I did this wonderful thing for her. She said that she would give me a beautiful funeral with lots of flowers and she would visit my grave to leave more flowers. She went to her room and brought out a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of vodka. She told me that she was going out the night of her birthday and that if I took a whole bunch of pills with the vodka it would do the trick. She told me to be sure to write a note saying that I was too sad to live anymore. She'd call the police in the morning and tell them I committed suicide." A few more tears escaped from the corners of her eyes, but Olivia ignored them.

"On the day of her birthday I got home from school and wrote the note saying I wanted to die. Serena was already gone by that time. I got a glass and went up to my room. I don't know how long I sat there crying and trying to get up the nerve to take the pills but it was too long. She must have gotten kicked out of the bar because it was still light when she got home. I shut off my light and poured some of the vodka into the glass and got a handful of pills. I was just about to take them when I heard her kind of scream and then a couple of loud thuds. I ran out of my room to find her at the bottom of the stairs. She was unconscious and her leg was twisted at an odd angle. I called an ambulance. Since I didn't have anybody to stay with, they took me to the hospital too until they could figure out what to do. I made myself scarce while they took mom into surgery to fix her leg so they wouldn't make me leave. When I reappeared a nurse let me sit in with her until she woke up from the anesthetic. I heard some of the people talking and they were saying that her blood alcohol level was almost four times the legal limit." Tears were falling more freely by now but her voice was devoid of any emotion as she continued on.

"I remember the look on her face when she woke up. She was a little confused at first then she rolled her head towards me. She was so disappointed. She told me that she had only ever asked me for one thing in my miserable life and I couldn't even give that to her. It was a week before she would even talk to me." Olivia's body shivered, cold, with the emotions that had been awakened and now coursed violently through her body.

"Why didn't you leave when she came at you with the broken bottle?" He cringed realizing his mistake too late but Olivia didn't seem to notice.

"Who would have taken care of her? She had no one."

"She was the adult, you weren't. She could have taken care of herself."

"Look what happened when I got too busy with work to keep an eye on her."

"You think it's your fault that she fell down those steps?"

Olivia just shrugged her shoulders. They both grew silent. The next time Elliot looked over Olivia was passed out. He finished the last three beers in the case while watching the end of the movie. He knew he was too drunk to carry Olivia to her bed so he stretched her out on the couch and covered her up with a blanket. He went into her room and looked at the pink panther again. It had a tag on it that read _'From: May and Nathan, To: Ms. Olivia.'_ He stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed with an idea forming in his head.


End file.
